THE TOTALLY UNREMARKABLE ADVENTURES OF A WORLD-CLASS UNDER-ACHIEVER.
Harper Bailey Caine woke up on the floor of his parents’ basement, his face pressed into one of the cushions of the smelly old sofa consigned there for the kids to flop on while they watched TV. “HEY KIDS! It’s the Rondo Rabbit Show!” He cracked open an eye, saw his sister Pepper playing with her blocks while remaining glued to the antics of some giant rabbit running around on the TV screen, then closed his eye again. He tried to lift his head but only managed a groan.
“You smell funny.” Pepper said, knocking over her block tower and starting again.
“You look funny,” he grumbled, and lifted his head high enough to peer around the room. Dropping his head back down on the cushion, he caught a glimpse of his legs. OH Crap. . .where’re my clothes? Hey. . .Why’m I wet?
“Harper Bailey Caine!” he heard his father shout down the basement stairs. “You have two minutes to get your bike out of the driveway, or so help me I will run it over! And what are you doing back here anyway?” Finding he was still clutching his cell phone, (“Go figure” he muttered with a shrug.) he quickly punched in Kirby’s number. “Dude, I don’t got clothes!” and then dropping his voice into a very low whisper, “I’m all wet. . .No, man, not like on my head. . . .just, ya know. . . I think I peed myself again. . .What‘d we do last night?. . . ”
So began another Monday morning for Harper Bailey.
“Now I’m going to be late to the office! How many times have I told you to put your bike on the rack when you come over? Huh? How many? And, Harper Bailey. . .why are your sneakers floating in the pool. . .and what have you been doing? You smell funny. . .” ( Harper Bailey had a dim memory of stumbling around to the pool-side door ) “ . .and why did you track pool water all over your mother’s new carpet? Harper Bailey, are you even listening to me?”
“Uh. . .what?. . .Hey. . .are my pants back there?”
“Honestly!. . .No, your pants aren’t back there! Oh God! Don’t tell me you lost your clothes again!
“Uh. . .Okay.” Harper Bailey said with a shrug.
“Now look, son, I’m not trying to give you a hard time, but you’ve really got to straighten out your life. . .you‘re 18 years old now. . .” But Harper Bailey stopped listening. How’d I manage to get here last night. . .now lets see. . .I think I went to Josh’s, or did he come over?. . .I think we met up with Taylor, least I remember her being around. . .Did Monica kiss me?. . .We went to get drinks. . .oh, yeah. . .we heard that new band. . .where was that?. . .“. . .so, remember it, alright?” his father said, and patted him on the shoulder.
“UH. . .WHAT?”
“You’re hopeless,” his father muttered and headed into the garage.
He smelled waffles when he came back in. His stomach made a grumble, he couldn’t remember if he ate or not.
“Mom? Can I have some food?”
“Sure, honey. . .oh, Harper Bailey, what’s that in your eye? Did you get another piercing? Oh, dear. . .no one’s ever going to hire you if you keep sticking things in your face! Promise me you won’t pierce anything else. . .you could be such a good looking boy if. . .”
“Yeah. . .uh. . . whatever. . .and those waffles?”
“Oh, sure, dear.”
While he ate his mother kept talking. “You know, hon, your sneakers are in the pool; why did you put them in the pool? You really ought to be more careful with your things. Oh, and Harper Bailey?. . .please don’t upset your father, you know how busy he is these days; why, he was saying. . .” but, Harper Bailey stopped listening. Maybe Zach knows where my clothes are. . .oh yeah, sneakers in the pool. . .( dim memory of wading it to get them ) . . .cool! MaybeI didn’t pee myself!. . .”Harper Bailey? Are you even listening?. . .” . . .Hey, who was that dude with the blond hair? Maybe he knows where me clothes are. . .was I dancing on a table. . .what did that girl with the sunglasses say her name was?
“Thanks for the waffles, Mom. . .”
“Oh, you’re welcome. . .now, don’t hug me, dear, you smell funny. . .oh, Harper Bailey. . .you have crumbs all over your face. . .let me get a wash cloth. . .”
“Uh, sure. . .um. . .okay.” While his mother ran a cloth under the faucet, Harper Bailey took a sniff of his armpits; no worse than usual. “What smells funny?” he asked.
“Well, you do, dear!
“Uh. . .What?. . .No, I mean, what about me smells funny?”
“Pretty much all of you, dear.” his mother said, and she smushed the wash cloth around his mouth and chin.
“Ugh. . . Ouch! . . . OWWW!. . . Like. . .what do I smell like?
“Oh, dear,” his mother said, waving a hand in front of her nose, then mouthed the words “A toilet. . .in a Bar.”
“Uh. . .oh. . .okay. . .(shrug). . . I got some calls to make.”
“Hey Zach. . .yeah. . . Dude, I don’t got clothes. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .dude, you got my clothes? . .yeah. . .yeah. . .naw. . .like, NO!. . .yeah. . .hey, dude, later. . .yeah. . .no, later, I gotta find my clothes.”
Of all his best friends, he pretty much hated Zach the most.
“. . .I’m in this really big mask, so nobody’s gonna see my face. . .but, Mrs. Turner says my name is in the program. . .”
“Uh. . .What?. . .” . . .Hey. . .when did she get there?
“Harper Bailey, are you even listening?”
“Uh. . .sure. . .okay. . .you’re in a big mask. . .uh. . .Why?” Oh! My sneakers are in the pool. . .gotta go get them. . .I did eat last night, at that food truck thing. . .and then I threw up in a bathroom with a sign on the door. . .whose red sneakers were standing by me. . .
“. . . .so, remember. . .okay? Harper Bailey? Are you even listening?”
“Uh. . .What?”
Pepper rolled her eyes. “You’re hopeless.”
“Yeah. . .uh. . .right. Okay, gimme a hug. . .have a great day at school Pepper . .that is where you’re going, right?”
“Yes, Harper Bailey,” rolling her eyes at him again. “Just don’t hug me too close, you----”
“Smell Funny! Geez. . .I KNOW!”
He watched her walk out the door and then he headed through the living room and went out to the pool. Yep, sneakers floating in the pool. . .he waded in just deep enough to snatch them up, shook the water from his legs and stuck his sneakers on his feet. Don’t forget them. . .
He squished his way through the house, shouted to his mother, “I’m in the basement, gotta make some calls!” and squished his way down the stairs.
Oh, sick. . .video games. . .okay. . .I’ll just play for a little while. . . Left, left, left, ooooh, right right right right . . . .roll. . . .
“Harper Bailey Caine,” his mother screamed down the basement stairs. “You tracked pool water all over my new carpet!”
“Ah. . .CRAP!” He lost. “Now, see what you made me do?! Thanks Mom!!!” Oh, I’d better call Taylor. . .what time is it?. . .Oh, yeah, clock on the cell. . .did I stay at her place?. . .Hey. . .did she kick me out?. . .Wait. . .Did I even see her last night?. . .
“Taylor. . .hey. . .sorry ‘bout last night. . .uh. . .What?. . .whatta you mean what ‘bout last night?. . .uh. . .What?. . .uh. . .I dunno. . .Whatta you mean, WHY’M I calling. . .When? When did we break up?. . .Oh. . .so listen . . .you know where my clothes are?. . .”
What-the-. HUH?. . .she hung up on me!. . .. .who else. . .who else. . .okay, there was the band. . .(dim memory of singing). . .Monica. . .Monica kissing me. . .Josh was somewhere. . .doin’ something. . .okay, think. . .think. . .food truck, throwing up. . .red sneakers. . .dancing on table. . .look down, see any pants?. . .
“Monica. . .thanks for last night. . .“ said in his best ‘love you’ voice. . .“Uh. . .What?. . .whatta you mean creepy, I don’t sound creepy . . . whatta you mean, what ‘bout last night. . .uh. . .what?. . .didn’t you kiss me?. . .oh. . .oh. . .yeah. . .no, girl, swear it was you. . .no. . .no. . .for real, you were there. . .uh. . .I dunno WHERE. . .someplace. . .with a sign on a door and red sneakers. . .okay. . .hey, anyway. . .you know where my clothes are?. . .”
Putting in numbers. . . “Josh. . .yeah. . .hey, was I at your place last night. . .oh, yeah, the band was sick. . .hey man. . .uh. . .What?. . .hey. . .dude. . .who was wearing red sneakers. . .yeah, red sneakers. . .no, man. . .yeah, got no clothes. . .how’d you know?. . .Oh, you was there?. . .uh. . .What?. . .so WHERE was that?. . .oh. . .you didn’t see that part. . .Okay. . .gotta go. . .”
“Zach. . .man, don’t be a tool. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .listen dude. . .look under my bed, grab me some pants. . .whatta I care, just some pants. . .yeah, yeah. . .and a shirt. . .well sniff it. . .can Kirby take your car. . .whatta you mean no. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .okay, you drive ‘em here. . .ah man, why you gotta bust my. . .okay, cool. . .naw, not now. . .I’m beat, been really busy all morning. . .okay. . .uh. . .What?. . .yeah, yeah. . .later.”
Then shouting upstairs, “MOM! MOM! Alright if I take a nap? Gotta wait for Zach!”
“Sure, dear. . .but Harper Bailey. . .not on the good sofas, dear . .you know you--”
“SMELL FUNNY! YEAH, HEARD IT!” . . . How’s a guy get a break around here?
Why’s everything gotta be such a hassle?
Waking up with a very dry mouth and not knowing what time it was, Harper Bailey wondered why his life was always so. . .uh. . .so weird. He sometimes thought there must be someone else controlling him, someone who made him do things whether he wanted to or not. . .like suddenly losing his clothes, ( he remembered having them at one point, then he didn’t. ) or end up staying out all night and then going to his parent’s house of all places to sleep it off. . .
Ach. . .whattcha gonna do about it? Hey. . .where’s Zach? Why didn’t he come down to wake me when he came? Man, I could use a meal. . .
“Hey. . .uh. . .Mom? Why didn’t you wake me when Zach came by?”
“Well, hon. . .wait a minute, NOISE!” grinding up vegetables in the food processor. “Zach didn’t come by.”
“Oh man! He is such a TOOL!” . . .I’m gonna kick his butt when I get home. . . “Well, NOW what am I gonna do?”
“I don’t know dear, I have to get dinner so I can‘t run you back to your place. . .maybe your father can take you home.”
“HEY DAD!. . .”
“NO! Whatever it is, NO!”
“Uh. . .Mom?. . .can I have some dinner?”
“Oh, sure sweetie. . .just wait a minute. . .it’s almost ready. It will be so nice to have the family all together for dinner again. . .”
“Uh. . .WHAT?. . .oh, sure. . .”
“Harper Bailey, you’re eating too fast!” His mother worried all the time about people’s digestion. “Oh, dear. . .You’re getting macaroni all over the table. . .You know, hon, you could just stay over tonight--”
“No he couldn’t!” his father snapped between mouthfuls. “Honestly, Harper Bailey, you smell even worse than you did this morning. . .I’m not having you stink up the sheets. . .Lord knows why, but you’ve been here all day, why didn’t you take a shower?”
“Ah, get off my back, it‘s been a really busy day. . .” Harper Bailey said, spraying the table with bits of chewed up pasta.
“Oh, your Dad’s just a wee bit grumpy. . .Of course you can stay, hon.” his mother said, wiping up the mess.
“Good Lord, Mona. . .NO HE CAN’T!”
“Gimme a damn break here. . .who’s asking you to let me stay?”
“Oh, Harper Bailey!” his mother gasped. “Swearing at the dinner table. For shame!”
“Now listen here, young man, you watch that potty mouth of yours--”
Potty mouth?! . . .UH. . .WHAT?. . . You see what I gotta put up with around here?
“Oh, it’s always so nice to have the whole family together,” Mona said, clapping her hands with delight.
Uh. . .what family does SHE live with? Harper Bailey wondered.
“Not to make you feel bad, or nothing, Harper Bailey” Pepper said, “but I think I’m beginning to SEE your smell!. . .and what’s the matter with Mom?”
“Just get the dishes and run, she might go nuts at any minute. . .and geez , Pepper, nobody can see a smell. . .. . .”
“Think I can.”
“Uh. . . MOM! . . . .MOM!. . .can I see you for a minute?” . . .Oh, crap. . . Where’d she go now? Harper Bailey heard the dishwasher door slam. “MOM!!!”
“No need to shout, hon. . .I was just getting the dishes washed. . .what’s the matter, sweetie?”
“Uh. . .uh. . .What?. . .oh, nothin’s the matter. . .like. . .you can gimme some money, right. . .like 20. . .or like NO, NO. . .Uh. . .like 50? It’s a long way to pay day and I don’t got--”
“Oh, Harper Bailey, how wonderful. . .you didn’t say you had a job!”
“Uh. . .What?. . .oh, uh. . .No I don’t got a job, that’s why it’s a long way off ‘til I get paid. . .so. . .”
“Oh, Harper Bailey. . .it’s because of all those holes in your face, isn’t it. . .no one will hire you. . .”
“Uh. . .okay. . .and that money?”
“Sure thing, hon. . .let me go get my purse. . .are you sure you only need 50? You don’t look like you’ve been eating very well; how about 75?”
Oh Cool! . . .SCORE!. . . “Thanks, Mommy. . .” said in his best “little boy I love you” voice.
When I get home I’m gonna slap that stupid Zach until he sees stars around his big dumb head!. . .Hey, like. . .I don’t even remember doing this last night. . .you see. . .just what I thought, somebody else is just making me do stuff. . .well, whoever it is. . .I hope they make me kick that dumb bastard until smoke flies up off the floor. . .oh, crap. . .one of my sneakers is still wet. . .
Their band was rehearsing without him when he got back home. . .how can they be rehearsing without ME? Who’s gonna have the guts to do my vocal. . .Hey. . .What-the-HUH. . . Who’s doing. . .oh, crap. . .TAYLOR. DiMONTI. . .Taylor’s doin’ my vocals?. . .and that tool Zach is playing my lead on guitar. . .
“Thanks for the ride, pig . . . why didn’t you bring me some clothes. . .I had to bike here in my underwear!”
“Chill, whiner, like you haven’t been out in public in your underwear before. . .and geez, Harper Bailey, , ,you’re really beginning to SMELL!” Zach Reynolds said, wrinkling up his nose. Stupid perfect nose, Harper Bailey thought.
“Oh My God! Why does everybody keep yappin’ about my smell. . .my moron sister thinks she can see it. . .”
“Wait long enough and she’ll probably be right. . .and I didn’t bring you your stinking clothes ‘cause we had to rehearse. . .anyway, it’s been a really, really busy day. . .”
“Busy! You wanna know about busy. . .”
Josh Collins smashed the cymbals out of beat; “SHUT UP! BOTH OF YOU!”
“Uh. . .WHAT?. . .oh, yeah. . .sorry. . .Hey, Josh!” Harper Bailey gave a little wave.
Taylor hit a sour note, sang the wrong word as well. . .
Kirby Kirkwood sat staring at the blank TV screen. “Hey, dudes. . .I think the TV’s busted. . .I been watching this for like twenty minutes or something and. . .like no picture. . .” But Harper Bailey had stopped listening. . .well, to everything but Taylor messing up his song.
“What are you doin’ here anyway, Taylor . .didn’t you say we broke up?! And. . .geez. . .you’re messin’ up my song!”
“ZACH asked me here. . .OOOOH, YUCK. . .” and Taylor wrinkled her nose. . .ahhhhh. . . . . .her pretty, perfect nose. . .. . . . .
“Look Harper Bailey. . .you didn’t bother to show up so Zach asked me to be in the band. . .you got a problem with it, take it up with Zach.”
“UH. . .WHAT?!!!. . .Zach was supposed to GET ME! AND BRING ME SOME CLOTHES!’
Cymbal crash off beat again. ”God, Harper Bailey. . .give it a rest. . .least three nights outta seven you lose your clothes. . .you gotta stop partying so much. . .or wear more clothes. . .”
“AHHHHHH!!!! CRAP!”. . .why is everybody on MY back, , ,
“See?” complained Taylor. “See what I put up with?”
But Harper Bailey stopped listening. . .oh, sick. . .that’s right. . .I got money in my sneaker. . .OH! SCORE!!!. . .hey, I can go out tonight. . .hey, we can all go out tonight. . .OOOO. . .OOOOO. . .PIZZA!
“Carla?. . .No, man. . .let me talk to Carla. . . .CARLA! Yeah, it’s me. . .look. . .run us by a really big pizza. . .yeah. . .yeah. . .oh, man, like with everything. . .okay not everything. . .not those hairy fish things. . .yeah. . .remember, don’t go to the front. . .yeah, yeah, yeah. . .back of the lot. . .cool. . .”
“Can we get some practice in?” Zach asked, pretending to finger a chord. . .had to, Taylor was watching.
“Who made you the boss. . .pig. . .?” If he wasn’t my very, very best friend, I would really, really hate him. “Listen up, Taylor. . .this is how it’s done. . .”
. . .and Harper Bailey covered the lyrics to “Walking in the Sun”. . .well, at least that’s what he was trying to do. . .‘Rufus’ had done it like 1974. . .yeah, they had music then. . .he heard it at his parent‘s house. . ., so he kept thinking. . .Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan, Chaka Khan. . .but it came out more. . .well. . .more “Kermit the Frog” instead. . .
“You all stink. . .dudes, I’m telling you, the TV’s busted. . .” Kirby felt he ought to contribute something. . .
“I don’t hear you doin’ your part,” Josh growled, cymbal slap off beat.
“Oh, man. . .can’t right now. . .it’s been a really busy day. . .”
Then everyone heard Carla shout through the grate.. . .Cool! PIZZA!!!
“Oh, man. . .sweet!. . .Hey. . .can we get you later on this. . .like. . .we’re all broke right now. . .” Kirby figured it was worth a try.
“Uh. . .okay. . .I guess. . .”
“Hey. . .hey. . .we’re good for it. . .like, you know us. . .”
“Well, actually. . .I don’t know any of you, really. . .just Harper Bailey. . .when he used to work for us. . .for a week. . .come to think of it. . .Hey, Harper Bailey! I need you to pay for this, or I’m going to have to take it back. . .”
“Uh. . .WHAT?. . .oh, yeah. . . Sure. . .I got paid today. . .”
“PAID?” everybody questioned in unison. “Paid for What?”
“Harper Bailey! You got olives! I HATE OLIVES!” Taylor complained.
Why am I last in line?. . .I paid for the damn thing. . .Oh, Crap. . .why does this stuff happen to me?!. . .oh, yeah. . .and you’re welcome. . .Geez!
“Your girlfriend’s a pain. . .” Zach griped.
“She ain’t my girlfriend. . .least that’s what she says. . .I don’t remember breaking up. . .but, she says we did. . .and why am I last in line. . .I bought the damn thing. . .”
“Whiner. . .”
“Pig. . .”
Hey. . .why does pizza go so fast. . .shoulda got two. .
“If you’re done with the clown act, maybe we can back to rehearsal?” Zach griped again.
Taylor shot a brows up glance at Josh. “See? See what I have to put up with?”
. . .okay. . .we’re all at least on the same note. . .this time it wasn’t so “Kermit“. . .okay. . .don’t do Chaka. . .do. . .uh. . .do. . .Rob Thomas. . .no. . .uh. . .Kings of Leon. . .okay. . .anybody but me. . .Hey, is Taylor checking me out?. . .
.. . . But Taylor interrupted the sound. . .
“Let’s go to my place. . .” ZACH? She’s asking Zach. . .Hey. . .uh. . .WHAT-The-HUH? . . .I’m standing right here!. . .
“We just broke up like what. . .yesterday?. . .last week. . .uh. . .okay I don’t remember it happening. . .but. . .Geez!. . .Like you do see me standing right here.”
“See you. . .smell you. . .” she couldn’t help herself. . .
“Like, who you trying to be. . .“ Harper Bailey asked. . .no more comments about my smell, please. . . “Yoko Ono or something?”
Taylor just laughed. “Oh, yeah right. . .like you all are “The Beatles”. . .don’t blame me. . .Zach’s been giving me the green light. . .”
“SAY WHAT? Not me, dude. . .I was just standing there. . .”
“Hey. . .hey. . .we could be the “Beatles”. . .” I can dream. . .little more practice. . .
“GROW UP, Harper Bailey. . .your singing sucks. . .” had to hear it sooner or later, Taylor thought.
“Grow Up?! Grow Up?!. . .Oh, uh, yeah. . .well. . .well. . .this is what you really look like. . .so bite me. . .”
“Oh, God, dude. . .” moaned Kirby. . .”what are you. . .ten?”
“Harper Bailey, you’re a jack-ass. . .and I quit the band! I‘M OUTTA HERE!. . . Zach. . .call me. . .”
“Hahahaha. . .you can’t quit. . .you was never in the band. . .” Harper Bailey yelled. . .
But Taylor had stopped listening. . .”Shut up, Harper Bailey. . .or I will slap you ‘til you see stars!” she hadn’t stopped talking. . .just listening. . .
“Dude, I DID NOTHING! Hey. . .you saw. . .I was just standing there. . .playing my part. . .you saw. . .COM’ on Harper Bailey, don’t be a whiney jerk. . .”
“Pig!. . .”
“Whiner. . .”
“Grow up dudes. . .” Josh was getting a headache. . .he could use a drink. . .
“SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!” Kirby had a short fuse and could freak-out better than anyone any of them knew. . .
“Sorry, Kirby. . . .” both Harper Bailey and Zach said at the same time. . .hey, you live with the guy you know what to say and when. . .
“Look. . .lets go out. . .we’ll chill, hear some music. . .pass out some fliers. . .oh, oh. . .the new name for the band is “Cesspool”. . .you got money still, right?. . .go put on some clothes and we can go out. . .” Kirby just wanted some peace. . .
“What’s he need clothes for. . .he’ll just lose them anyway. . .”Zach had to say it. . .hell, Harper Bailey was his very best friend. . .
Wayland’s Haunt. . .even the smell of the place made Harper Bailey fuzzy. . .wait. . .isn’t this how all the problems always start. . .uh. . .What?. . .Hey, I know that song. . .UMMMMM. . .Spine Reticulator. . .that sounds good. . .uh-oh. . .gotta pee. . .better make it to the bathroom first. . .oh. . .oh. . .maybe a love potion thingy. . .oh, yeah. . .bathroom. . .I think this is how all the trouble starts. . .
“Hey. . .you know Harper Bailey. . .it really wasn’t me. . .Taylor started it. . .I wouldn’t mess with your girl. . .”
“ Not my girl. . .remember. . .hey. . .are you checking me out in the mirror?. . .you trying to peek?”
“God, grow-up, loser. . .”
“. . .saw you peeking. . .you want me, you like me . .com’on, say it . .you want me, you like me. . .com’on . .oooh, ooooh, I‘m gonna write it in a song. . .Saw you peeking. . .”
“Taylor’s right. . .you’re a jack-ass.”
“Dude, slow down. . .” Josh was getting worried. “How many have you had?”
“Uh, , ,What?. . .oh, I dunno. . .hey. . .hey. . .who was wearing red sneakers?. . .uh. . .What?. . .you say something. . .ummmm. . .fuzzy. . .I like these love potiony things. . .red sneakers. . .why you wanna know about red sneakers?. . .I saw some red sneakers once, you know. . .when I was throwing up, there was red sneakers standing there. . .hey. . .hey. . .uh. . .What?. . .oh, I know. . .it was that blond dude. . .he took my clothes. . .ah. . .no, he was wearing the red sneakers. . .hey. . .hey. . .”
“Harper Bailey?. . .You okay?. . .”
“Uh. . .What?. . .oh, I didn’t like having a girlfriend. . .it bugged me. . .now I wish I had a girlfriend. . .”
“Oh, man. . .time to get you home. . .while you still have all your clothes on. . .Come on, dude. . .let’s go. . .”
“Who made you boss?. . .pig. . .” and then Harper saw the red sneakers. . .the blond dude with the red sneakers. . .and ran after him as he pushed through the door on his way out. . .
“OOOH, dude. . .It was you. . .pig. . .you took my clothes. . .red sneakers. . .the dude with the blond hair in the red sneakers was YOU. . .pig. . .OH!. . .uh. . .What?. . .” . . . Harper Bailey just remembered. . .Zach had patted him on the back while he threw up. . .told him he’d be okay. . .then took his clothes ‘cause he had made a big mess all over them. . .ah, crap. . .dude. . .you like me. . No, for real. . .
“. . .You like me, you like me. . .COM’ on, say it!. . .you like me. . .” sung in his best “you really are my best friend” voice
“Jack-ass whiner. . .yeah. . .okay dude. . .I like you. . .happy now? . . . God, Harper Bailey. . .you really need to grow-up. . .”
“OOOH. . .OOOOH. . .dude, dude. . .this is what you really look like. . .”(.Thanks, Zach. . .I’m not gonna actually SAY that. . .whaddya take me for ). . .”This is what really, really you look like, so bite me!”
“Dude. . .yeah. . .like. . .so bite me, too.” and Zach smiled that stupid, perfect movie star smile of his. . .
If he wasn’t my very, very best friend. . .I’d really, really hate him. Just sayin‘.
Uh. . .WHAT?. . .oh, yeah. . .I’m supposed to tell you stuff. . .uh. . .Geez. . .you gotta like. . .excuse me or something. . .I’m not very good at talking in front of an audience. . .well, thanks for dropping by. . .if anything else happens I’ll let you know. . .as you can see, I’m always really busy. . .uh. . .WHAT?. . .oh yeah. . .like, I still think somebody makes me do this crap, but I don’t got no way of proving it or nothing. . .OOOH. . .OOOH. . .yeah. . .like, thanks everybody who made all the cool stuff for my place and my parents‘. . .
The Life and Times of Harper Bailey
Sep 14, 2011 by orlov
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