THE TOTALLY UNREMARKABLE ADVENTURES OF A WORLD CLASS UNDER-ACHIEVER
“Well. . .” Kirby said. Don’t say ‘It sucks’. . .anything but ‘It sucks‘. . .”You did a real nice job tapin’ it back together--”
“Dude. . .uh. . .it’s a really big freakin’ piece of paper. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .you like it, dontcha?”
“You worked real hard, I guess--”
“Oh yeah. . .uh. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .little dude. . . I just like worked and worked. . .you think Josh and Zach gonna like it too?”
“Oh, sure, Harper Bailey. . .they’ll prob’bly like it so much they’ll want you to make another one.” They’re gonna Make him make another. . .we can’t hang that piece of crap, Kirby thought, but gave Harper Bailey a funny, twisted smile.
“Oooh. . .Oooh. . .you want I should start now?”
“Uh. . .No,” Kirby said, patting Harper Bailey on the back. “Let’s just wait and see. . .Huh?. . .”
“Okie-Dokie. . .no sweat, dude.” . . . Man. . .I think it’s stupenderific. . .sure glad it’s freakin’ done. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .yeah. . .uh. . .stupid sick. . .
“Tick-Tock,” was Zach’s warning to the band the following day, they only had one day left.
“Hey. . .uh. . .just wonderin’. . .why they say that again?” Harper Bailey asked.
“Why does Who say What?” Zach asked with a sigh; not another one of Harper Bailey’s ‘Wonderings’. . . we’ll be stuck doing nothin’ all damn day now. . .
“You know, dude. . .uh. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .you know. . .’Tick Tock’. . .what that mean?. . .Cuz’ clocks--”
“Yeah, yeah, I know. . .clocks don’t make noise. . .Look, I told you, Harper Bailey. . .I Don’t Know. . .it’s just a saying.”
“Stoopid saying, dude.”
“Yeah. . .whatever. . .it’s not like I made it up or something. . .AnyWay. . . Tick-Tock, dudes. . .”
So, they practiced. . .and practiced. . .and practiced. . .for one whole afternoon. . .and didn’t stop until Josh declared, “Well, dudes. . .we don’t really suck. . .but we still might be the worst band ever.” and Harper Bailey took that to mean they could take a break.
“Can I ask you something, Taylor?. . .always been a puzzle to me. . .” Josh asked while the band took their break. He’d watched her all through the rehearsal, wondering why. Josh has always had a crush on Taylor, you know.
“Sure, I guess--”
“You are One Beautiful Girl. . .Why Do You Date Harper Bailey?”
Taylor gave a grin and leaned in closer. “Let’s just say. . .Harper Bailey has some hidden talents. . .”
“Girl. . .Like What?” Seriously, Josh thought to himself. What could that messy, smelly kid have.
“Well. . . ” Taylor considered for a moment. “That’s really none of your business, now, is it?” she said with a pretty little smile on her All Too Kissable lips.
“Guess not,” muttered Josh. Still, Sure Would Like To Know. . .
When the break was over, Harper Bailey rolled out his revamped “Monkey Love”. . .
Now nobody but Harper Bailey really wanted to do this song, but Zach had said, “Look, dudes, we gotta do at least one song that’s ours. . .and besides. . .it’s about me. . .sorta. . .” so they put it in. . .so long as Harper Bailey did some work on it.
“Dudes. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .just make me some follow noise. . .ya know?. . .babababa babababa. . .Huh?. . .Oh. . .added me some words, dudes. . .Hey. . .uh. . .I’m diggin’ this. . .”
“Yeah. . .whatever. . .” everybody else said in unison.
saw you peekin‘. . . know you want me. . . you can't have me. . . you ain't nothin’ but a monkey. . . da-da-da-da-da. . . know you want the good stuff. . . know you want the best. . . know you gonna stand there. . . wait with all the rest. . . no use tryin’ to beg me. . . no use tryin’ to cry. . . what you see ain't what you get. . . I just can’t be your guy. . . saw you peekin‘. . . know you want me. . . you can't have me. . . you ain't nothin’ but a monkey. . . da-da-da-da-da
“Hey.” said Josh. “It don’t suck so bad.”
“Yeah,” said Kirby. “It’s like. . .’Suck Lite‘. . .”
But Zach said, “Dude. . .That song Better Not be about me anymore. . . Like I’m ever gonna beg you for squat Harper Bailey. . . “
“Oh, dude. . .Zach. . .Pffft. . .it ain’t about you no more. . .uh. . .uh. . .way too good to be about you . . . it’s just a song now. . . Dude!. . .for real.”
“What?!” squawked Zach, “What do you mean ‘Way Too Good?’ Ain’t nothin’ way too good for Me. . .besides. . .‘Don’t Suck So Bad’ don’t make it some freakin’ masterpiece dude! But I‘m warning you, Harper Bailey. . .Better Not Be About Me!”
“I think you hurt Zach’s feelings,” said Taylor when the band wrapped.
“Uh. . .Huh?. . .What?. . .naw. . .You think?. . . How?. . .” Holy Freakin’ Crap!. . .What’d I Do Now?. . .people always naggin’ at me about dumb crap. . .makin’ up stuff on me. . .
“He thought the song was about him. . . and you just blew him off. . .you know how he feels about you. . .”
“Uh. . .What?. . .Zach don’t feel nothin’ about me. . . Zach don’t feel nothin’ about nobody. . .he‘s got himself. . .like . . .what was that?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . . Emotional Insterility. . .yeah. . .think that's it. . . Josh told me.”
Taylor frowned. “Do you mean 'instability?'. . .You know that isn’t true. . .don’t you?”
“Uh. . . what? What ain’t true?. . .Hey. . .uh. . .(yawn). . .I’m sleepy. . uh. . .Huh?. . .What were you talkin‘ about?”
“Hey!” shouted Josh. “We’re all going to Baby Head. . .you two coming?”
But Harper Bailey gave out a great stretch and another yawn. “Nope. . .we’ll stay here. . .I’m beat. . .I gotta get me some sleep. . .Hey. . .Zach. . .you and me. . .uh. . .Huh?. . .What?. . .oh. . .yeah. . .you and me. . . We’re okay, Right?. . . Taylor says I hurt your feelin‘s. . .”
“Yeah, like you could. . . Look, whatever. . .we‘re okay. . . ” said Zach, but he wasn‘t sure they were, least not right now. . .maybe after a drink or two. . .
Beg Him. . .I don’t gotta beg nobody for nothing, thought Zach. . .but he took a quick look in the mirror anyway just before he went out.
“I’m sleepy. . .” Harper Bailey said to Taylor. Then in his best “Want You” voice said, “Wanna Go To Bed?”
“You read my mind. . .” said Taylor. “Now go wash up and brush your teeth.”
Ahhhhh. . .dammit. . .the crap you gotta do to make your girl happy. . .
Harper Bailey woke up early. . .well, early for him at least, it was 11 am. . .getting up early was something Harper Bailey tried Never To Do. . .just made him take a nap later, so what was the point? But, today was different. . .today was the band’s very first gig. . .and Harper Bailey wanted to practice.
To the groans and mutters of “Shut Up Dweeb!” from the rest, Harper Bailey sang;
“I‘m not crazy, I‘m just a little unwell, I know right now you can‘t tell. . .”
And managed to hit every note without a single screech or ear-splitting wail. . .just notes sung like a guy singing a song. . .not a very talented guy. . .but a guy singing a song none-the-less.
“Ohmygod. . .Shut Up. . .tryin’ to sleep here, dude. . .” moaned Zach, and then said, “Not bad jack-ass. . .but. . .Shut Up Anyway. . .”
A ‘Not Bad’ from Zach was heard as “Incredible” by Harper Bailey. . .and it made his morning. . .or what was left of it. . .
“Look, dude, “ said Zach once he got up and showered; by that time it was 3. “Sorry I been so mad at you lately. . .you ain’t holding a grudge against me for it, are you?”
“Mad at me?. . .uh. . .dude. . .you been mad at me?. . .uh. . .Why?. . .I do somethin’?”
What’s the use apologizing to a guy who can’t remember when things go bad? Zach wondered. “Hey, don’t matter. . .just wanted you to know I’m sorry for being sore at you. . .don’t know why, Harper Bailey, but I just can’t stay mad at you no matter what crummy crap you pull.”
“Crummy Crap?. . .Dude. . .what’d I do?. . .Huh?. . .Hey, you okay?. . . You think. . .uh. . .uh. . .Huh?. . .Oh. . .yeah. . .You think. . .like. . .maybe you got you a fever or something?. . .cuz. . .like. . .I didn’t do nothing.”. . .Oh. . .hey. . .wait. . . Uh. . .oh, yeah. . .them tires. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .and Taylor said something. . .mmmm. . .what’d she say?. . . Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Oh, yeah. . .
“Dude. . .you want I should give you a hug?” asked Harper Bailey in his best “Sorry for That” voice. “Didn’t mean to hurt your feelers. . .”
“Uh. . .no. . .don’t need no hug, Harper Bailey. . .oh. . .uh. . .you Are going to shower before the club tonight?. . .Right?”
“Dude, if you say so. . .don’t much see the point. . . you do it, then the next day you just gotta do it again. . . Big ol’ waste of time if you ask me. . . But. . .uh. . .Okay!”
But Harper Bailey had been thinking. . . Stuff was going too good these last couple of days. . .and it had him worried. . .
“Zach. . .you gotta listen. . . Uh. . . Mmmm. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .yeah. . . Now you know that Thing Somebody. . .uh. . .Right?. . . Look. . .I think he be planning something Big. . . So. . .uh. . .What?. . .oh, yeah. . .see, I’m gonna get him before he get’s me. . .Huh?. . .you see?. . . I got me this plan . . . But we gotta keep it on the down low. . .”
“Harper Bailey, “ said Zach, “I know I played along with you, the basement thing and all, but. . .seriously. . .“ and he leaned in to whisper. “There ain’t no Thing Somebody. . .it’s all in your head. . .”
“Testify!. . .dude. . .Gotta Testify!. . . I Declare!. . .There Is A Thing Somebody!. . Testify Dude. . . Gotta Testify. . . Always watching everything I do. . . Watching you too, dude. . . Watches Everything. . . Makes Bad Crap Happen. . . Wait and see, dude. . . Wait and see. . . When he’s done messin’ with me. . . You might be next. . . “
“Okay, okay, dude. . .don’t fly outta your hair. . . So, what’s the plan?. . .Please tell me it doesn’t have anything to do with painting our hair. . . Cuz. . .for real, dude. . .that ain’t happening.”
“No. . . uh. . .nope. . . That ain’t it. . .Pretty sure Thing Somebody’s on to that. . .uh. . .uh. . .Ahhhhh. . .Crap!. . . . Can’t remember my plan now. . . Gotta get back to you on that. . . “
Harper Bailey stayed worried for the rest of the day. What was Thing Somebody planning. . . Power Outage? Meteor Strike? Explosion?. . . Yeah. . . Maybe someone would detonate the Club right before the band took the stage. . . Bound to be Something Big. . .stuff had been just a little too good lately. . .
Harper Bailey worried so much that by the time Taylor came by after work he was actually scared.
“Girl. . . Something Bad’s Gonna Happen. . . Feel it. . . Just know. . . “
“Sweetie. . . You’ve just got the jitters. . . Nothing to worry about. . . You’ve never sung in public before. . . How about a hug? Will that make you feel better?”
Oooh. . .Sweet. . .Hugs are great, but Harper Bailey doubted they’d make him feel any better; well, not feel any better about what Thing Somebody was planning at any rate.
Oh. . . That’s nice. . . Okay. . . Just a little closer. . . Okay. . .uh. . ..mmmm. . .yummy. . . Sure smells good. . .she always smells good. . .Closer. . . Closer. . .Uh Oh. . .Too Close. . .Way Too Close. . . Gotta stop. . .Got no time for That right now . . .besides. . . People all over the place. . .
“Promise you gonna be there?” Harper Bailey asked. ( He didn’t have a voice for this. . . He’d never felt this way before. )
“Where else would I be?” Taylor wasn’t sure she liked Harper Bailey being all vulnerable. . . She didn’t know what to make of it. “I’ve got to go home for a little while, but I swear I’ll be at the Club. . . Harper Bailey? Are you listening?. . . Just stop looking for trouble. . . Everything’s Just Fine!”
Boy needs help, she concluded on her way home. Going to Make him see a shrink!
“What’s the matter, dude?” Harper Bailey asked. He’d gone over to ‘Pit’ early to hang his promo poster, but now Zach was looking at it like there was something wrong.
“Well. . . Shoot, Harper Bailey. . . I didn’t really think you’d hang this lame piece of crap. . . How’s anyone to know what time we go on?. . . You got the time crossed out twice here. . . “
“Piece of Crap?!. . . Piece Of Crap?!. . .Hey. . .uh. . .wait a minute. . uh. . . Kirby liked it. . .”
“Kirby needs to stop being so damn nice. . . “
Seeing the hurt look on Harper Bailey’s face, Zach said, “Ahhhhh. . .I’m sorry, dude. . .I Told myself I’d stop ragging on you for all the dumb crap you do. . . I know you worked hard on it. . . You did okay, Harper Bailey. . . People will figure it out. . . I guess. . . Hey! We’re supposed to meet everybody at the food wagon. . . Com’on. . . Ah, dude, chill. . .said I was sorry. . . “
“Sometimes I think you don’t like me. . .” Harper Bailey said in his best “You hurt my feelings” voice.
“Look, Harper Bailey. . . I’m gonna say this. . .but I’m only gonna say it once. . .you dig. . . So really listen. . . I’m always gonna like you, even when it seems like I don’t. . . “
We all know what he Really meant. . .
Yum Yum Yum. . .greasy food. . .nothin’ better than greasy food. . .Oooh. . . Oooh. . .I want. . .uh. . . I want. . . Uh. . . A hamburger. . . No. . .two hamburgers. . . No. . .No. . .uh. . . Yeah. . .uh. . .Hey!. . .What’s Taking So Long?. . .
“Are you sure you can’t make a Tofu Dog?” Taylor was asking in that ‘I don’t want this Crud’ kind of way she had. “Okay. . . How about Miso soup?. . . What do you Mean? ‘What’s That?’. . . Ohmygod. . .well. . .I’ll have a chopped salad with grilled chicken, oil and balsamic on the side. . .What?!. . .Well, then what Do you have?. . .Oh. . . Alright. . . I‘ll have a taco. . .but it better not make me sick.”
Somehow Harper Bailey was last in line. . . Why’m I always Last? he wondered. . .well, ‘whined about’ would be more like it. . . But when it finally came his turn he said, “Dude. . .got me only drinkin’ pennies left. . . You think you could. . . Like. . .uh. . .I dunno. . . Slide me a burger maybe two. . . You know. . . .til like later?. . . You wouldn’t want to take my last couple a pennies. . .Huh?. . . Would you?”
And his “poor me” voice was so good the guy flipping burgers said, “Look, kid, you seem starved down to bone. . . Here, have a burger on me. . . “
But that only proved to Harper Bailey Thing Somebody had something Really Terrible in mind. . .
“Does Harper Bailey seem strange ?” Zach asked Taylor. “I mean, does he seem weirded out to you?”
“Well,” considered Taylor. “He always seems strange. . . But now that you mention it. . . Ohmygod this taco is terrible. . . Why do you guys eat this stuff?. . . I think I’ve been poisoned . . . He has been acting really weird for a while now. . . Rambles on about---Oh, I shouldn’t say---”
“Thing Somebody?” Zach filled in the blank.
“Yes. . . Thing Somebody. . . I think he needs a shrink. . . “
Harper Bailey waited outside “Pit” just making sure nobody was sneaking around with a bomb. . . he watched the sky for meteors. . . counted how many lights he saw in the buildings around the Club, waiting to see them suddenly go out. . . Watched, waited, counted. . .Getting himself all worked up over nothing. . . and when he was sure he could Be Sure. . . sort of. . . He made his way in.
It wasn’t until he got inside that he realized he hadn’t seen a single person pass him while he stood outside.
HEY!?. . . Where my groupies?. . .Where all the screaming chicks?. . .My Fans?. . .The Agents?. . .HEY?!. . .WHAT?!. . .Not Even Paparazzi?. . .What Gives?. . .
“Dude,” said Kirby. “We go on in less than an hour. . . there’s Nobody here.”
“No worries, little dude. . . still early. . . “
What the Huh?. . .UH OH. . .Hey. . . Maybe Zach was right. . .nobody knows when to come . . . Naw. . .can’t be that. . .way sure I wrote the time. . .
But coming up along side Taylor, Harper Bailey whined, “Ohmygod, girl. . .there ain’t nobody here. . .ohmygod. . .ohmygod. . .what’re we gonna do?”
“What do you mean ‘do’? You’re going to play, Harper Bailey. . .hey, it’s a Monday night. . .you can’t expect a full house on a Monday night,” said Taylor in a voice meant to calm. . .“Ah, honey. . .give yourself a break. . . Look, it will be much easier on all you guys if you play for a small crowd. . .you know. . .test the waters?. . .”
“Waters?!. . .uh. . .What Waters?!. . .Hey. . .uh. . .uh. . .HEY. . .You hear somethin’? Somethin‘ about water? Ohmygod. . .Ohmygod. . .Like a Flood?. . . Like. . .uh. . .Ohmygod. . .ohmygod. . .Water‘s Comin‘!”
“Harper Bailey!! Chill out! ‘Test the Waters‘. . . it‘s just a saying. . .Get A Grip!”
“Yeah. . .hehehehehe. . .I’m being stoopid. . .Hey. . . Uh. . . Like you say. . .stuffs gonna be okay. . . “
“Will you be alright for a minute?. . .Barry just showed up and I want to say hey to him--”
“Yeah. . .uh. . .yeah. . .I’m chill. . .I’m cool. . .” Barry. . . Dude Barry. . .he’s my pal. . .
“Okay. . .be right back. . .” Taylor said, still concerned Harper Bailey was about to have a melt down. Boy needs help, she thought again. Going To Make Him See A Shrink!
. . .Ohmygod. . .ohmygod. . .ohmygod. . .I need a drink. . .no. . .uh. . .no. . .might be bad. . .don’t want to get me all stoopidified. . .but. . .uh. . .oh yeah. . .I Need Me A Drink. . .Hey. . .what could happen?. . .Huh?. . .just a little Madness Thingy. . .just a little one. . .everything goes better with a Fuzzy. . .huh?. . .Right?. . .Don’t It?. . .okay. . .just a little one. . .like. . .uh. . .a half a one. . .ohmygod. . .ohmygod. . .gonna be the worse night ever. . .Worse Night Ever. . .
While Harper Bailey looked for a drink Zach tried to figure out what Daisy’s problem was; she was acting pretty damned cold.
“What’s up, girl?” he asked. “Why the freeze? Gonna last long?. . .Should I get me a coat?”
“I’m not speaking to you. . .”
“Well. . .I can see that. . .any reason for it?”
“If I were speaking to you. . .which I’m not. . .you’d know I was very upset with you. . .and if I were speaking to you. . .which I’m not. . .you’d know why. . . But since I‘m not speaking to you. . .”
“Oh,” said Zach with a straight face, trying not to laugh. . .chicks. . .take everything so serious. . .”Well, if you decide to speak to me again. . .which you might. . .you got my number, babe. . .”
“Precisely!!!! I Got Your Number! Who’s Donna? Who’s Michelle? Who’s Tanya and Pickles? And Who’s KIRBY?!”
Amused, but a little irritated, Zach said, “Hey. . .you left out Monica, Devin and Paul. . .What’s your point, babe?. . .Look. . .No ring on this finger. . .See. . .Never Gonna Be. . .”
“You’re a Pig!” Daisy hissed.
“Probably,” Zach said with a laugh. “You’re not the first to say so.” Chicks. . .take everything So Serious!
On the other side of the very empty club, Barry and Taylor sat at a table and watched as ( luckily ) three more people showed up and sank into a booth in the farthest corner available.
“This doesn’t look too good,” said Barry.
“No,” agreed Taylor. “But, maybe it’s for the best. . .uh oh. . .spoke out of turn. . .see that guy with the really bad hat?. . .music writer for the “Examiner”. . .well, he’s in for a treat. . .not to be disloyal, but the guys . . .uh. . .Stink?. . .is that a good word for what you’re about to see?”
“Look; what do I know? Good, bad, makes no difference to me; I just like these guys. . .especially Harper Bailey. . .if you don’t mind me saying--”
“Mind? Why would I mind?. . . . . Oh.”
“Barry, you seem like a very decent guy. . .can I give you a word of advice? I’m not a jealous kind of woman. . .don’t need to be. . .so, I’m not saying this out of any kind of jealousy. . .Don’t fall for Harper Bailey. . .there isn’t any point in it; you’d just be wasting you time.”
“Just can’t seem to help it. . .the little guy seems so . . .helpless. I mean to say; clearly he’s impaired--”
“Impaired? Harper Bailey? What makes you say that?”
“Well. . .Do you understand anything he says? I don’t. And he seems to struggle just to remember things--”
“He seems fine to me. . .annoying, maybe. . .something of a butt-head at times. . .whiney little pest sometimes. . .but, seems fine to me. . .Look, Harper Bailey’s special--”
“‘Special’, yes I thought as much.” Barry said with some concern.
“No. . .not like that. . .just special. . .just Harper Bailey. . .anyway, don’t fall for him, it wouldn‘t do you any good. . .Now, Kirby on the other hand. . .sweet, sweet boy. . .toss your line at him. . .shoot, Barry, you won’t even have to bait the hook. . .he’s ready to jump into your boat, if you get my drift.”
The two were cut short by Harper Bailey taking the stage and announcing the band.
Oh No, thought Taylor. I know Those Glassy Eyes. . .
“Uh. . .uh. . .Huh?. . .Hey. . .Where You At? Huh?. . .Where my Peeps?” Harper Bailey asked. “Oooh. . .Oooh. . .uh. . .WHAT?. . .Oooh. . .dudes. . .this here be our band. . .we’re. . .uh. . .Hey Kirby!. . .What you doin’ here?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .HEY. . .what we called?”
“Rage. . .”
“Uh. . .yeah. . .what he say. . .Hi. . .I’m Harper Bailey!. . .that’s Zach, and Kirby and Josh. . .Josh’s has mean, sick sticks, dudes. . .Hey. . .uh. . .where you all be?. . .Huh?. . .Okie-Dokie Dudes. . .this our first. . .uh. . .uh. . .uh. . .What I doin’?. . .oh, yeah. . .hehehehehe. . .song.”
. . .and with all the effort they had, the band crashed into a plausible cover of “Mr. Brightside”. . .then to almost total silence, (except for the sounds of anemic applause from Taylor and Barry and the squeak of bar glasses being washed). . . they followed with a cover of “All the Small Things”. . .at least that’s what it was supposed to be. . .they hadn’t actually practiced it. . .
. . .they all pushed on. . .wandering through “I Wanna Be Sedated” (a Harper Bailey favorite). . .stumbling through “Rehab”. . .and they might have Looked like rock stars. . .they might have Acted like rock stars. . .they might have even thought themselves to Be rock stars. . .just one little problem. . .just one tiny, little problem. . . Please. . .Does it really have to be said?. . .
But Harper Bailey had his Fuzzy on. . .his messy, cozy little Fuzzy. . .and all the world was blurry. . .all the world was pretty. . .so, when the band jumped into “I’m not Crazy” he couldn’t have done it better ( least he thought as much ) . . .one thing for sure. . .when he sang the words;“. . .I’m not crazy I’m just a little unwell. . .” there was no doubt in anybody’s mind, this boy Knew what he was singing about. . .
. . .It was when the band went into a raucous, jarring, head banging bunch of noise that the critic in the corner lost his indifferent smirk. . .the crazy boy on stage was screeching;
. . .”saw you peekin’, know you want me, you can’t have me. . .you ain’t nothin but a monkey. . .”
. . .and there was something so arrogant, so misguided, so incomprehensible. . .So Delusional. . .that for the first time that evening, the critic made a note in his pad.
. . .”Uh. . .uh. . .hey. . .whattcha waitin’ for. . .Huh?. . .that’s all we got, dudes. . .“ Harper Bailey babbled. “Uh. . .uh. . .Hey. . .uh. . .What?. . .Hi Kirby!. . .What you doin’ here?. . .uh. . .Hey. . .somebody like. . .buy me a . . .Madness Thingy?. . .Huh?. . .Anybody?. . .Anybody. . .ain‘t picky. . .Huh. . .Huh?. . .ANYBODY??”
Closing time stuck them all out on the street. Luckily, no one had offered Harper Bailey anything. . .face it. . .he didn’t need another Anything. . .
“. . .hehehehehe. . . Taylor girl says we be flood. . . .hehehehehe. . .stoopid. . .uh oh. . .seein’ me somethin’. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .uh. . .What?. . .Uh Oh. . Seein’ me Somethin’ . . .uh. . .Hey. . .HEY. . .Oh man. . .can‘t freakin‘ see me stuff like that. . .What the Huh?. . .What That Be?!!!”
“Harper Bailey,” Kirby asked, growing a bit concerned. This wasn’t just the Big Mistakes talking here. “Are you okay?. . .Dude. . .dude?”
Harper Bailey kept his eyes closed. “All up in here. . .all up in here. . .all up in here. . .” he kept muttering.
“Girl. . .GIRL!. . .” he suddenly shouted, rushing over to Taylor. “HEY GIRL. . .Ohmygod. . .you got you. . .uh. . .ohmygod!. . .you got you. . .uh. . .uh. . .OHMYGOD!!!. . .OHMYGOD. . .OHMYGOD!!!. . .You Got You A Freakin’ Green Thingy Spinnin’ On Your Head!!!!”
. . .and to the cries of “OHMYGOD. . .OHMYGOD!!!!!”, he took off running down the street.
“We gotta stop him!” Kirby said in a panic.
“What’s he doing?” Josh asked in a worry.
“Where‘s he Going?” Taylor moaned.
“Fan out. . .we’ll try to surround him--” Zach ordered.
“Poor little kid,” Barry said with a sigh.
They all took off after him.
Omygod. . .where the?. . .Huh?. . .(mumble. . .mumble. . .mumble). . .what the?. . .(mumble. . .mumble. . .snore). . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .OUCHY. . .head got me a ouchy. . .(mumble. . .mumble. . .snore)
Harper Bailey heard voices. . .loud, bangy voices. . .and they weren’t especially happy ones. . .
“Who the hell Is He?” some woman was asking, but she sure didn’t sound like she really wanted to know. . .sounded more like “What the hell is He doing Here?” instead.
“Look, he’s that kid I brought home a couple of weeks back. . . he just showed up here like that--”
. . .Hey I know me him. . .Barry. . .Barry. . . Barry Barry Strawberry. . .got me a blueberry Barry. . .don’t got me hardly no blue hair no more. . .OUCHY. . .ah, crap. . .freakin’ head hurts. . .
“How does someone Just Show Up?”
Man, she sure sounds pissed. . .(snort. . .grumble. . .snore)
“Listen, Anna, I brought Kirby home last night. . .Harper Bailey probably just followed us in. . .they’re friends, you know--”
“Who cares. . .just get rid of him. . .he smells funny. . .”
“Yeah, yeah. . .soon as I can get him up.” Barry said with just a touch of annoyance.
“Oh, and Barry. . .I’m calling for a House Meeting; you’re in violation of House Rule Number 26!”
It took a few minutes for Barry to get Harper Bailey to wake up. First he just called his name a couple of times, but that didn‘t work. . .then he shook him a little. . .then he shook him a lot. . .
“Earthquake,” Harper Bailey muttered and then sat up suddenly. “Ouchies!”
. . .Ah crap. . .Not again. . .where my clothes?. . .Oooh. . .How I get Here?. . .Oh, man. . .Dude Barry look him all pissed off. . .
“Hey there. . . Oooh. . . You mad at me?. . . You got you some mean ol’ face on Dude Barry. . .”. . .Mustta really messed me up somethin’ bad if Dude Barry even mad at me. . .
“No, I’m not mad, kid. . .just. . .confused. Why did you come here last night?”
Uh. . .Uh. . .What he say?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . . “Dude. . . I di’n’t come here. . .you mustta brung me or somethin’. . .Hey. . .don’t You ‘member ?. . .gotta got me here somehow. . .Oooh. . .uh. . .Hey. . .You got my clothes?”
“Look, kid. . .you just showed up. You didn’t have any clothes other than the ones you’re wearing. . .you were talking about. . .well, to tell you the truth, I don’t know What you were talking about; so, I just stuck you here on the couch and figured you’d explain it to me when you got up. We were all really worried about you.”
S’plain. . .hmmm. . .S’plain. . .how I do that?. . .What I know?. . .Huh?. . . “Uh. . .maybe that Somebody jus’ like. . .um. . .drop me here. . .or somethin’. . .Huh?. . .You think?”
“Would that be the same somebody who’s always bothering you? Did he give you a ride after the club closed?”
Uh. . .What?. . . Gimme me a ride?. . .Who gimme a ride?. . .“Dude Barry. . .whattcha mean. . .Huh?. . .that Somebody don’t got him a car. . .well, maybe he do. . .can’t say. . . ain’t never seen him. . .guess he could have him a car. . .di’n‘t see no car. . .just spinny thing. . .green spinny thing. . .twirlin‘. . .uh. . .hey. . .uh. . .Whattcha wanna know again?”
Barry shook his head and looked up at the ceiling. ‘Really wish I knew what this kid was talking about,’ he thought.
“Oooh. . .Oooh. . .uh. . .wait,“ said Harper Bailey, head still throbbing. “Gettin’ me a picture here. . .uh. . .uh. . .seein’ me somethin’. . . Oooh. . . Oooh. . . OHMYGOD. . .OHMYGOD. . .spinny thingy. . .naw. . .that ain’t it. . .OHMYGOD. . . The Gig. . .OHMYGOD. . .It be like some Epic Fail. . .ohmygod. . .ah, dude. . . No. . . No. . . it be Failurific. . .ohmygod. . .I be like. . .like. . . some. . .( in a colossal whine ) . . . Failtron. . .”
Barry surmised from the use of the word “Fail” in front of all the strange words Harper Bailey was using, that he didn’t think things had gone so well. “It wasn’t that bad, kid.” Poor little fellow.
“Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Strawberry. . .You was there? . . . Ohmygod. . .sorry ‘bout that. . .Sure you was there?. . .cuz if you was, you know it was like. . .Craptacular. . . uh. . .and. . .hey. . .I even made me a big ol’ poster and everythin’. . .( and in his best ‘What happened?’ voice ). . .but Nobody Showed!”
“Kid, I was there, Taylor was there. There were a few other people who sat in the booth in the corner. . .look, kid, it wasn’t so bad. . .hey, I’ve seen worse. . .”
“Worser than Us?. . .Dude Barry. . .ain’t poss’ble. . .ohmygod. . .ohmygod. . .uh. . .uh. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .Barry. . .uh. . .You got my clothes?”
“Told you, kid, you weren’t wearing any clothes when you showed up here.”
Hey. . .uh. . .Did I see me red sneakers?. . . Uh. . .nope. . .no red sneakers. . .uh. . .uh. . .What?. . .hey. . .Hey. . . “You see You Red Sneakers? . . .Huh?. . .Red Sneakers?. . .Huh?. . .Didya?” Harper Bailey asked.
“What? I‘m really sorry, kid, but I don‘t know What you‘re talking about; Red Sneakers? Are they some sort of Gang who steals things?””
Hmmm. . . What?!. . .Gang?!. . .Gang yoinked his stuff?!. . .Ohmygod!. . .wonder me when?. . .
Barry looked a little anxious.
“You lookin‘ you all freaked out. . .Hey. . .you want I should powder? ” Harper Bailey asked.
“What?” Barry asked. Powder. . .Powder. . .Is that like ‘Take a Shower’? ‘Use Deodorant‘? Anna has some face powder---does he want face powder?
“Oh. . .forgot. . .you ain’t from here. . .You-Want-I-Should-Powder?. . .Look, Dude Barry. . .got me some thinkin’ gotta do me. . .huh?. . . Sorry bout your stuff gettin’ yoinked, dude. . .we find them crooks. . .Sure you ain’t got my clothes? . . . Like. . .maybe you want ‘em for keeps or somethin’?. . .Huh? Think maybe?. . .cuz, like. . .I don‘t think they like gonna fit you . . . But they be cool threads. . . Huh?”
“I’m sorry, kid. . .What?!!” Yoinked? Yoinked. . .That can’t be a word!?
“Pffft. . . You can’t help it. . .you know, not being from ‘round here. . .no worries ‘bout my clothes, Dude Barry. . . I get me some more. . .you can keep ‘em. . .I like you. . .”
“But, I Don’t Have Them!”
Harper Bailey stood up but the room didn‘t seem to stand up with him. . .Oh. . .crap. . .I don’t feel me so good. . .uh. . .Oooh. . . Oooh. . . Uh. . .Where I go?. . . Oh. . .yeah. . .got some thinkin’ I got to do me . . .
“Harper Bailey? Are you alright? Look, kid, I swear to you I don’t have your clothes. . .you came here with just the clothes you’re wearing---”
“Hey. . .no worries. . .Thing Somebody prob’bly got ‘em. . . But you coulda have ‘em if you want. . .they be cool threads. . . You need you some cool threads, Dude Barry. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . . Uh Oh. . .Think I gonna barf or somethin‘. . .” but Harper Bailey only belched. “. . . Oooh. . .naw. . .just had me a burp be all. . .”
“Dude Barry. . .Barry Barry Strawberry,” Harper Bailey happily rambled on. “You be So Sweesomastic, dude. . .gotta powder now. . .”
“I’m What?!”. . .Sweesomastic? What the hell is that?. . .“Uh. . .not so close, kid. . .you smell a little funny.”
“PFFFT. . .Funny?. . .I ain’t funny. . . What I say be funny?. . .Huh?”
But Harper Bailey forgot what he was thinking about when he saw Kirby walk into the room.
“Kirby. . .little dude. . .this here ain’t nothin’, see. . . Not pullin’ no Zach here. . .dude. . .you know me. . .”
“Chill, Harper Bailey, I know that. . .You okay?. . .We couldn’t find you. . .” “Pffft. . .Couldn’t a look too hard. . .I be right here. . .y’all so funny. . .dude. . .where your eyes go?”
“What?!. . .Oh!. . .this. . .Barry asked me to take my make-up off . . .uh. . .do I look weird?”
“Uh. . .little dude. . .nope. . .you just don’t. . .like. . .look like you. . .Anyway. . .gotta go, gotta powder . .got me some thinkin’ got me to do. . .”
‘Oh,’ thought Barry. ‘Powder means leave. . .I see. . .I think. . . ’
“Sorry ‘bout them robbers. . .we get your stuff back. . .no worries. . .” Harper Bailey said with a smile.
“Robbers?” Kirby asked.
“Got me,” Barry said with a confused shrug.
Harper Bailey started walking home; he didn’t know where his bike was. He was fairly sure. . .okay, he wasn’t fairly sure about anything. . . He thought maybe. . .just maybe. . . he had taken his bike to “Pit”. . . so. . .Where was it Now?
Look Thing Somebody. . . I don’t know what you got against me. . .like what’d I ever do to you?. . .Huh?. . .Like. . .ain’t there somebody else you got a Hate on you could go bother for a while?. . .hey. . .Hey!. . .How you find me anyway?. . .Huh?. . .Uh. . .Hey. . .Hey. . .Listen. . .if you. . .uh. . . Like. . . tell me what you want. . .like. . .uh. . .maybe we can be friends or somethin’. . .Huh?. . .you think maybe?. . .Cuz. . .like. . .look. . .You really startin’ to Hurt My Feelin’s . . .I ain’t a bad guy. . .whattcha got against Me?. . .Huh?. . . An’ why you gotta scare me with all that weird crap?. . .Huh?. . .Spinny Thingys. . .wonky vibes comin’ out my pants. . .what ‘sup with that?. . .Huh?. . .Oooh. . .Oooh. . .hey. . .yeah. . .an‘ why you let some gang yoink Dude Barry‘s stuff?. . .Huh. . .Dude. . .that ain‘t cool. . .uh. . .OH!. . .guessin‘ you a dude. . .Hey. . .That It?. . .You mad cuz I think you a dude and you a chick?. . .Huh?. . .That it?”
And Harper Bailey walked on until he came to the playground.
. . .ah crap. . .ain’t nobody here. . .just me. . .me and my swing. . .just hang me a time here. . .I guess. . .
. . . I dunno. . .What’d I ever do. . .Huh?. . .I ask you. . .only want to be a Rock Star. . .got me a dream. . .don’t I got me a right to get me a dream?. . .Huh?. . . What that Thing Somebody got against me. . .Huh?. . .Painted me a poster. . . Practiced me my song. . . What’d I do?. . .Huh?. . .man. . . This gettin’ to be Mighty Angstifying. . . Hey, told you. . .I know me some big words. . .
. . .Shoot. . .Whattcha Gonna Do. . . Huh?. . . Hey. . .uh. . .maybe.. . .uh. . .crap. . .maybe I just be Crazy. . .naw. . .that ain’t it. . . pretty sure I see me that weird freakin’ stuff. . .ahhhhh. . .Whatever. . .
Hey!. . .Maybe just need me a bigger poster. . .Huh?. . .You think?. . . Maybe just gotta sing me louder. . . Shoot. . .crap could be worse, I guess. . .Can’t hug me All the kittens. . .
. . . Nope. . .Can’t Hug Me All The Kittens. . . But, damn. . .Cool I get to Hug Me A Few. . . .
“Uh. . .uh. . .Okay, Doc Shrinky Dude. . .you want I should just sit here or somethin‘? This here is real stoopid you know. . .Just Some More Dumb Crap I gotta do for my girl. . .”
“If you’ll just lie back, young man, just get comfortable, we can begin; that’s right, just lie back. . .Comfortable?. . .Now, what seems to be the problem?”
“. . .Young man?. . . Young man?. . .Wake Up!. . .hmmm. . .Miss Johnson, I‘ll take my lunch break now. . .be back in an hour.”
Thanks Everybody for going on reading this silly tale. . .just a few kudos here and then you can be on your way
cyclonesue decorated HB's garage, does a fine job
cloudwalkerNZ provided the BLEACH poster seen at Pit
"I'm Not Crazy" is by Rob Thomas/EMI music. . .easy to find on the Web
spladoum makes the poses. . .YAY
Okay. . .that's it. . .I guess. . .tell me if I missed something. . .
Life and Times of Harper Bailey 4
Nov 10, 2011 by orlov
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