Stories / The Gold Digger Part 2 - Felicity
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Bonsoir! That is, of course, French for "Good Evening". If it is not evening where you are, I suggest you wait until it is evening to read this! If it is evening where you are, Hello! You should all know that my name is Felicity Éclair. Some hag named Ethel accused me of being a husband stealer. I am not a husband stealer! I'm merely borrowing her husband!

Bonsoir! That is, of course, French for "Good Evening". If it is not evening where you are, I suggest you wait until it is evening to read this! If it is evening where you are, Hello! You should all know that my name is Felicity Éclair. Some hag named Ethel accused me of being a husband stealer. I am not a husband stealer! I'm merely borrowing her husband! Besides, nobody else knows me as a husband stealer, or a husband borrower for that matter! In fact, most people know me as a celebrity, and, of course, rich! According to my bank, I have more money than Sense! Admittedly, most of this money did come from my other half, Albert Kensington, founder of Kensington Industries and Manufacture (KIM). Unfortunately, poor old Alfred, I mean, Albert has been very ill. In fact, his health has been significantly worse than how it was 6 months ago. Not only can he not work in the City, but he can't work at all. So I did what any loving woman would do.... I took over the business! Computers are so boring and pointless, so I completely changed what KIM do! Instead of selling Computers, we now sell women's goods! KIM now stands for Kosmetics In Manhattan! Yes, I know Kosmetics should be spelled with a C, but I wanted to keep it KIM! And I've been to Manhattan once, I'm allowed to name my business after it! Anyway, since I've taken over, business has been booming! Perhaps it had something to do with my appearance on the cover of "Hot Cakes Magazine"? One Day, I was finishing a day of work, when I got a phone call. One of my insiders had allegedly spotted a certain Ethel Kensington walking into an apartment building. There was no time to waste! I couldn't wait to see that pathetic, bankrupt, old hag! I could finally see what she was up to! Here it was. Approaching the place, I became very confused. If Ethel was bankrupt, how could she afford this place? And why didn't she leave Bridgeport, the Paparazzi Capital of the world? I went up to the penthouse apartment. Perhaps the apartment itself was squalid and filthy? It wouldn't surprise me! But much to my dismay, there was virtually nothing wrong with the apartment. I hate to say it, but it was beautiful! I sat down to inspect the furniture. It could have been stolen! That reminds me of a very funny story that involves my Grandmother, a trip to China and a Wig! Anyway, I was just about to check for stains, when I was interrupted. "What the heck do you think you're doing here?!" The voice screamed.
"Ah, look what the Cat dragged in," I started. "Not just any Cat, a poor, filthy, wretched Cat. Who smells."
"Your sense of your humour is about as clever as you are!" Ethel replied.
"This isn't the time for compliments!"
"That wasn't a compliment..." "Anyway, where have you been? It's Midnight and you're not home. I take it you weren't clubbing?" I asked.
"Clubbing? What am I, 20?" Ethel spat.
"Mentally, yes."
"Shush! I wasn't clubbing. I was just doing a quick jog to Sunset Valley and back, and on the way I thought I might pop into the gym to swim a few hundred lengths. Then I passed the Martial Arts club, so I thought I might as well break some moon rocks. Then I ran to Twinbrook and back to burn off the Wheatgrass juice I'd just had."
"Martial Arts? Oh please, I bet I could roundhouse kick you to the moon!"
"Oh yeah? let's fight here right now!" Things didn't turn out so well.... The following day, my head felt like I had just had a bad date with Chuck Norris. I walked downstairs to find Albert sat happily on the Chaise. I needed to form a plan to humiliate Ethel! Albert's such a great listener, though he could just be sleeping without me knowing... "Albert, Darling! You know your disgusting estranged wife?" I purred.
"Ethel? What about her?" Albert croaked.
"She roundhouse kicked me in the head last night."
"Who is she, Chuck Norris?"
"I know, right? Anyway, I need to find a way to humiliate her. Do you think you can organise a party for me?" "Why?" he asked.
"Just do it! I'll handle the rest!" I begged.
"Fine."
"Great! Now, I need a disguise." An hour had passed, and I was in my disguise - a red wig and trousers. Nobody wears trousers anymore! The doorbell rang.

"Coming!" I shouted.
"Who is it?" Albert muttered.
"Well, seeing as you're pretty much half-dead, you need someone to care for you while I'm gone!"
"I think I can cope on my own for an hour!" Regardless, I answered the door.

"Hello, are you Ms Éclair?" the woman asked.
"Obviously!" I snapped.
"I'm Doctor Kara Weir. You say there's an old man that needs looking after?"
"He's in the back. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's an elderly woman who needs humiliating." I went to Ethel's apartment to personally deliver the invitation.

"Just a minute!" She cooed. "Can I help you?" Ethel asked.
"Well, you've been formally invited to, er, Prince Norris' Birthday party." I put on my best foreign accent.
"I don't know a Prince Norris. You may have got the wrong address."
"No, no! He wants to invite random people on the street to his ball!"
"Dear, I'm not exactly on the street, am I?"
"JUST TAKE THE INVITATION!" "Fine. But before you go, where are you from? I can't place your accent." Ethel asked.
"Um, I'm from.... Taiwandonesiamerica!"
"Right... I think I went there last year...."
"It's a very nice place!" I said, running out the door. Back home, an astonishing sight lay before me - Albert was playing the Piano! He wasn't anywhere near as pale as he was when I left. And he was playing the Piano! He'd never played an instrument in his life! This Doctor was amazing! "Doctor Weir, thank you ever so much! You're like a wizard!" I beamed.
"Oh, it was nothing! He should be completely better by now. I hope you and your father have a great day!"
"He's not my Father!" Once the Doctor had left, I took off my wig and got ready for the party. I look pretty good, as per usual! Albert promised he'd drive me to the venue. We got in the car and drove off. Ethel was going to get the humiliation of her life....

*To Be Continued*

The Gold Digger Part 2 - Felicity

Sep 26, 2011 by mysteryjack1
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    17 Comment(s) posted so far

    Showing the latest Comments Show 10 more

    #8 On Sep 27, 2011 rosenoire87 wrote:

    Very funny \:\) can't wait for the next chapter \:D

    #9 On Sep 28, 2011 Hottiesheldon wrote:

    very well done and funny. Gahh she is such a gold digger lol. hope he leaves her and she falls on her back side \:\)
    really good though cant wait for more

    #10 On Sep 28, 2011 ShelleyB wrote:

    This whole Golddigger story is too funny! Ethel pulls a kung fu punch to the face on pretty little croissant woman! Albert, or Alfred, or whatever his name is, may have chosen the wrong horse to lay his bets on!! \:o  I'm glad you decided to continue the series. \:D

    #11 On Sep 28, 2011 fredbrenny wrote:

    You know... I read it over again... and over and read chapter 1 over and over. ... \:D \:D   It is Albert... Never ever seen such a terrible man (not even my own exes) ... So, actually I don't think Ethel needs to be humiliated... Albert does. Still, a hillarious story \:rah\:

    #12 On Sep 28, 2011 spladoum wrote:

    Guessing (hoping?) chapter 3 will be from Albert's POV? ... this little child is delusional, it'd serve her quite right if she took a few more kicks to that empty head :P

    #13 On Sep 28, 2011 Audrey May wrote:

    LOL!!  Great chapter, Jack!   Is Albert as stupid as he seems? \:D  Ethel seems to be the only "normal" one of the group!

    #14 On Oct 2, 2011 Mangio wrote:

    I am glad you've continued this story \:wub\: It's so funny.. i love the magazine cover \;\) Well i see Ethel is as fit and healthy as ever.. i wonder if those two are working behind the scenes against husband stealer \:D Congrats on the well deserved feature \:rah\:

    #15 On Oct 3, 2011 urm0m wrote:

    Haha I love the reference to Chuck Norris :P

    #16 On Oct 8, 2011 RatRaceRob wrote:

    Lol... this was great \:cool\: ... I suspect Miss Hot Cakes will be getting a nice cold dish of revenge served up some time soon... looking forward to seeing it \;\) :P

    #17 On Oct 19, 2011 Shokky wrote:

    A great story!!

     
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