Guess who? That's right, Darlings, it's everybody's favourite narcissistic, gorgeous, Gold-Digging gal! I hope you all are sitting comfortably, preferably with a non-alcoholic Cosmopolitan to really put you in my shoes! Once you have done so, you can proceed to read all about my new life; trying to get a completely different reputation by starting a new career in the showbiz industry! Click the arrow, sweetie!
"Oh, goodness! The money's just not coming in, and I'm no longer receiving any fan mail! At least the death threats have stopped also. But stil, I need a job! Not a stupid little part-time job at the spa - I need to be famous! I need something that can never go wrong! Any ideas, guys?" I lamented. "Sorry, I've got nothing!" Lasquisha started.
These are my new best friends, and agents! On the Left is Lasquisha - she's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet, but don't get on her bad side! On the right is Brianna - and yes, she really is as dumb as she looks!
"Maybe you should try dating another rich guy!" Lasquisha finished.
"Totally!" Brianna giggled. "No, dear, that won't do! Been there, done that! Who was that guy I dumped at Christmas? You know, the founder of... Doors?" I asked.
"You mean Windows? Bill Gates, right?" Lasquisha replied.
"That's the one! Well, he didn't work out! He didn't give me a single penny of his fortune!
"Sweet Jebus, girl! You tried to kill him!"
"THAT was a misunderstanding! I was only trying to cook him a nice meal!"
"You put a tin of baked beans in the Microwavel! How stupid can you get?!"
"I like Baked Beans." Brianna added.
I love my friends! "Look, girl, how about you become a Reporter?" Lasquisha asked.
"Wow! Lasquisha, that's an amazing idea!" I beamed.
"You know, I'm full of them!"
"Where do I start?"
"We'll set you up a date with the News Guy at the Aesop's Tables café downtown, won't we, Brianna?" Lasquisha nudged Brianna in the ribs.
"I like News Guys." Brianna winked. Here we are! Obviously I was very nervous about my meeting. I had no idea what to expect from it, after all I'd never had a job interview before! Well, not one like this, anyway. You see, the thing I didn't tell Lasquisha was that I wasn't planning on working for this guy - I was planning on taking his job! I made my way inside, and sat down at the table. I pouted as much as I possibly could and tilted my face in such a way so that it caught the light perfectly. I could have been a model!
"Good afternoon, Sir. My name is Felicity Éclair, and I am willing to apply for a job at Channel 6 news." I said, still pouting.
"Whaaaaat?" The man replied It was only when I dared to take my beautiful face out of the light that I realised my mistake. This was no dashing man! He was old, and although Albert was old he was, admittedly, dashing! But this man, however, looked like he hadn't had a wash for years! But things only went from bad to worse when this happened: "OI YOU! Get your filthy gold-digging claws away from my husband!" his wife screeched.
Obviously, I didn't want to shout anything back - the Channel 6 News guy was sitting somewhere else in the Café, and I didn't want to give him a bad impression! But this old woman needed not to have worried about me stealing her husband - I don't think anybody would ever dream of doing that! The News Guy was sat opposite. I could just tell by the look on his face that he'd just seen what went on! Nevertheless, I strode over and perched on a chair.
"Good Afternoon, Mr News Guy." I beamed.
"My name's Arthur Carmichael," He started. "And yours?"
"Oh, Felicity Éclair!"
"Don't I know you from somewhere? You look awfully familiar,"
"No! I'm just looking for a job, you know!"
"Who said we have any spare positions?" "Oh, please Sir! I promise I'll be ever so good!" I tried to look sultry by fluttering my eyelashes, but I think it came across as if I was having some sort of fit.
"Well, whether you're good or not, we have no positions available!" Arthur replied.
"Not even a single one?" I started to pout. "Not even one," Arthur looked stern. "Look, Felicity, it's very nice of you to offer, but we literally have no available positions. Not even a coffee runner. And even if we did have any more positions open, I couldn't just choose some girl who gets her agent to set up a coffee date with me. I'd have to interview everybody who applies for that position as well, and I'd have to choose someone with a lot of qualifications."
"I have qualifications!" I shouted.
"Okay, name a few."
"I have a degree in Art! I'm also a qualified Secretary, and I think you can tell that my English is impeccable, darling!"
"Admittedly, I didn't think you'd have a degree in anything! That's very good, but I'm going to need it on paper."
"So I just need to hand that in and I have a job?"
"Well, no. There are no jobs, remember?" "Well," I gazed into Arthur's eyes. "Perhaps I can change your mind!"
"What do you mean?" Arthur asked.
"Come by my house tonight," I passed him a piece of paper containing my address (which you should never do in real life, Children!). "It'll be a night you'll never forget!" That night, I was all dolled up! Ready to put my plan into action! I was just putting my earrings on - okay I was flirting with myself - when Lasquisha and Brianna jumped out behind me.
"Girls! Please, darlings, don't do that again!" I snapped.
"Oh my gosh, Felicity, you look, like, so totally hot!" Brianna gasped.
"Well, don't I always? Now, what did you want?"
"I just need to known what the plan is again." "Don't worry Babe, just wait in the bathroom!" I soothed.
"What are you going to do to this guy?" Lasquisha seemed shocked.
"All will be revealed, Lassie! All will be revealed!"
All of a sudden I heard a knock at the door. My heartbeat accelerated and I started to feel slightly nervous! I took a deep breath and strolled towards the front door. There he was - Arthur Carmichael. Standing on my porch! This man had a lot of power! In one phone call, he could have some moody reporter standing outside my house telling the nation about how I like to steal candy from babies and insult other people's mothers! Although looking back at what I did before, that wouldn't be so bad... I nervously greeted Arthur at the front door. He was wearing the same clothes as he was earlier that day. "Obviously doesn't want to make much of an effort for me!" I thought to myself. Nevertheless, I invited him in. I put on my best sultry voice and face as I spoke to him.
"Oh hello, Dear Friend! So glad you could make it!" I pouted.
"Yes, good to see you Florence." He said. Rude!
"It's Felicity," He looked at me puzzled. "Never mind. Look, there's a surprise waiting for you in the bathroom down the hall!"
I followed Arthur closely behind, making sure he didn't stray off the path. "BOO!" Lasquisha howled.
"MOO!" Brianna... mooed?
Arthur proceeded to scream like a girl for quite a few minutes more than I thought he would.
"What.. What's going on here?!" Arthur started panicking.
"Mr Carmichael, this is my friend Lasquisha. Say Hi, Lasquisha!"
"Hi Lasquisha!" Lassie is so silly sometimes!
"Please, I can give you money! Just get me away from those hags!" "It's not money I want, Mr Carmichael! I want you to sack as many people as it takes for me to get a Job at Channel 6 News!" I cackled.
"And what if I don't?" Arthur replied.
"Well, Lasquisha here can do some really mean Chinese Burns!"
"Actually, I call them Shaniqua burns!" Lasquisha added.
"Shaniqua?" Arthur and I asked in unison.
"Yeah, named after my mother!"
I don't want to know! "Look, Felicity. There's this one person who I've been meaning to get rid of for a long time. But whenever I try to fire her, she always gets her lawyers on us; branding us as Ageist! If you can get her to quit her job, then you can have it! Just don't hurt me!" Arthur begged.
"Where can I meet her?" I asked.
"Her name's Jennie Kwong. She should be at her house across the street tomorrow night! Just please, make it STOP!"
"Stop being such a big baby! I think we're done here!" People, people - fear not! This is only a disguise! I don't really wear ill-fitting plum suits, and I'd never get a brunette mullet! Anyway, here I am at Jennie Kwong's house at about 6 in the afternoon. She's just intercommed me in; so far, so good! I could see her coming outside and closing the door. This worried me - perhaps she wasn't planning on inviting me in?! Well, I don't blame her - with this disguise I looked like a poorly dressed Aubergine!
"Oh, excuse me! Mrs Kwong?" I asked.
"Yeees?" came the very long and droned reply. Gosh, this woman was OLD! I could totally see why Arthur wanted to sack her! I think Age perhaps smacked her around the face!
"What do you want?" Jennie snapped.
"Oh, um, I'm from...." Not this again!* "Kazakhstan! My name is, uh, Borat...ina!"
"Oh really? And I'm the Queen of Sheba!"
"It's very good to meet you, Sheba Queen!"
What the heck was I doing?!
*Read 'The Gold Digger: Part 2' "Look, Boratina, is there any purpose of your presence here?" Jennie sighed.
"I come from News! I give you message!" So all of a sudden I'm illiterate?
"Is that it?"
"I also have big bottle of Nectar!"
"Fine, you can come inside! Just give me that nectar!"
Who new that Ms Kwong was a Nectarholic? Well, I can't really remember what happened that night. But I remember what happened when I woke up: Basically, I was lying on Jennie's sofa with a horrific headache! My wig had disappeared and I'm pretty sure my beauty spot was in a different place! I panicked - what if Jennie saw me? Never mind - she was asleep on the sofa! Well, near the sofa. She probably tried to get on it but couldn't be bothered to lift herself up. Oh well, that suit sure looked comfy! And hideous. Seriously, lime? I carefully tried to sneak out of her modern house. But I must have been too loud, because the next thing I know: Jennie had woken up, crouched on the floor and propelled herself upwards as quick as a bullet! She assumed it would be really easy to perform some Kung Fu move on me, like the Vulcan Death Grip or whatever, but that's where she was wrong.... For I had secretly been training in Martial Arts! I slid underneath her shuffleboard table, hoping to throw her off guard - but instead she just somersaulted over the whole thing! I needed a way to get out of here, and fast! That's when I noticed a little window that we'd obviously opened to throw rotting vegetables at passers by! I ran along the house more than three times! I don't know what was keeping me up more; the thought that this old woman would karate chop me, or those disgusting shoes (which did have a very good grip, I'll admit!). Eventually, Jennie fell off the wall and collapsed in a big heap. I escaped her house, which shall now be known as Alcatraz. I stepped into his hideous office! The green and the grey combination was just so last year! That was exactly why I was wearing last year's dress as well! I sat down in the chair facing Arthur, again making sure my face captured the light perfectly. Pretty soon, I returned to Arthur Carmichael's office.
"Come in!" He shouted. "Ah, Felicity! I received your email about Jennie Kwong... And the pictures." Arthur murmured.
"Were they... Compromising enough for you, sweetie?" I fluttered my eyelashes.
"A bit too compromising, if I'm honest. But they were bad enough to make her quit!" "What do you mean she quit herself?" I asked.
"I sent the pictures to her; threatening to sack her! So she quit!" Arthur smirked.
"Arthur Carmichael, you are a very naughty man!" I winked.
"You can't get anywhere in this business without being a little bit naughty, Ms Éclair!" Arthur winked back.
"So, about that job!"
"Fine! It's all yours! Welcome to the team!" "Yay! Felicity Éclair is back!" I was ecstatic! But I found something that made me happier:
"Oh my gosh, is that a pool!"
"Yes, it's a pool," Arthur replied.
"Can I swim in it?" "No, there's no need for that, Felicity. Felicity?"
Too late! TO BE CONTINUED
A big big thank you to Spladoum for her wonderful Bad Morning and Ninja poses; the 'Alcatraz' scene would not have been possible without them!
Specs and the City: Episode 1
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