Well Hello there! My name is Albert Kensington. I'm sure you've heard a lot about me from my two lovers, Ethel and Felicity. Scratch that, you've probably heard nothing of me as the two Ladies have been too busy insulting each other and fighting each other. I'll start by telling you how confused I am at the moment. I'm truly torn between who to love! My estranged wife, who takes all my money; or my Secretary, who takes all my money? Also, the latter of the two is slim, blonde and buxom. Just saying!
"Ethel's not here. Maybe this was all a mistake." I mumbled.
"Gosh, would you like some Cheese with that WHINE? Seriously, just relax! Watch me dance provocatively!"
"I think I'll go to the bar...." As soon as I walked over to the bar, I noticed Ethel. She must have slipped in when I was checking the gutter. I cautiously walked over to her. Gosh, I hadn't seen her in six months! "Yet I still can't understand why the Chicken just didn't get its Chauffeur to drive it across the road!" Ethel wailed. I nervously approached.
"Hello Ethel." I whispered.
"Albert? Is that you?"
"Do I get a hug?"
"You're lucky I'm not giving you a falcon punch!" "So.... What brings you here to The Prosper Room?" I said, feebly disguising the Humiliation Party.
"You mean Felicity's Humiliation Party?" Ethel raised one eyebrow.
"How did you find out?"
"I had an idea when a strange redhead appeared at my door, invited me here for some unknown reason and claimed she was from Taiwandonesiamerica. Oh, and she blabbed about it on Facebook."
"Right..." "Not just that, but I can see Felicity dancing to 'Everybody Loves Kung-Fu Fighting' downstairs!" "Ethel, we need to talk." I begged.
"Save it, Albert! Why don't you just go cry to the Ninja Croissant down there?!" Ethel screeched. I ran to the Men's Toilets. This seemed to be the only place I could escape from the two women in my life. Boohoo!
"Albert...." a voice echoed. I turned around. A glamorous Dr Weir stood before me.
"Dr Weir... Are you a ghost?" I asked.
"First, I'm not dead. Second, I'm not a ghost. Third, you're standing in the middle of the Ladies' Room." Kara replied.
"I can't help it! My life is in turmoil!" "Albert, you can't go blaming this on your two lovers. After all, it was your fault for leaving your loving, caring wife for some dumb blonde."
"I don't know what to do! Who do I choose? The elderly woman who loves me for who I am? Or the beautiful woman who loves me for my money?"
"You need to go with your heart. Do what it says!"
"What does that even mean?"
"Choose Ethel, you imbecile!" But by the time I went downstairs, things had already started to kick off - Ethel and Felicity were fighting each other! Ethel had obviously been training hard. She was so good, light was coming out of her kicks and punches! However, Felicity had been training very hard too. She was flipping like a dolphin, albeit a very attractive dolphin! After several hits and misses, Ethel ended up in a heap on the floor. The humiliation party had been successful, and there was no way Ethel could get up from this. "Haha! That'll teach you to come around here, with your Martial Arts, thinking you can kick me to Oblivion! Face it, you're nothing more than an Old Lady!" Felicity spat.
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" screamed a voice. Kara Weir had come raining on Felicity's parade. In fact, she completely thunder and lightninged on it!
"Take this, you blonde bimbo!" Kara screamed. Felicity now lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. However, as she was stronger than Ethel, she was able to get up, even if it was only to scream at Kara. "What do you think you're doing?!" Felicity wailed. "This isn't your fight, Witch Doctor!"
"No it isn't, but it's not your fight either!" Kara barked back.
"Then who's fight is it?!"
"It's Albert's." Felicity became very confused.
"How the HECK is it Albert's?"
"Albert needs to choose which one of you ladies he loves." Kara really put me on the spot here. In front of me were the two women in my life, both of them pining for my love. "Felicity. Do you really truly love me?" I asked.
"I'm pregnant!" She quickly said.
"You're not pregnant. I can read you like a book. You know how this is going to end, don't you? You don't want me. You only want my money."
"Goodbye, Felicity." "Ethel, I've been such a fool! Why did I ever leave you?" I wailed.
"Because of the two small moons on her chest?" Ethel replied.
"You know what I mean! I overlooked your natural beauty for her natural beauty!"
"And those small moons" Ethel coughed.
"I should have known that she would never love me. But you always have loved me! So Ethel, can you find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me?"
"I've missed you so much! Of course I can!"
We hugged the night away! I think she crushed one of my lungs, but I deserve that, after everything I put her through. Two weeks later, and I was in tip-top condition. I was back at work, and KIM was back to normal, selling what we normally sold. Business wasn't as good, seeing as we weren't selling Cosmetics anymore (and I hadn't posed for a magazine!). Ethel smiled for the first time in months. It was the most beautiful sight of all!
"Great to have you back, Ethel!" I beamed.
"It's great to be back, dear! I've really missed you!" Ethel smiled.
"Now, you should meet the new Secretary!"
"THE WHAT?!" "Ethel, meet Olga. She's my new Secretary!"
"HALLO, HOW DO YA DO?!" Olga boomed. "Oh, Albert! I trust you won't be having a fling with her?" Ethel laughed.
"Ethel, you know I'll never make that mistake again!"
As I kissed Ethel firmly on the lips, I couldn't help but think about Felicity. Not in a romantic way! But I wondered where she was. She hadn't been seen anywhere for the past two weeks. Hopefully she's learned from her mistakes. Meanwhile...
"Excuse me, I'd like to see my husband, Bill." the woman asked.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Mrs Gates, Bill's wife!" "I'm very sorry, Miss...." "He's seeing someone else right now."
The Gold Digger Part 3 - Albert
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