Your VIP Trial is active! Time Remaining:

My Own... Part VII
Published Dec 23, 2009

Written By



Page 1 / 21

Hopefully this is approved by Christmas and if it is, I would like to wish all my readers a fantastic Christmas! I hope you have a lovely day with family and friends and I hope Santa pays you a visit ;-) Thanks for all your support throughout this year and I look forward to a bright 2010 with you all!


Hopefully this is approved by Christmas and if it is, I would like to wish all my readers a fantastic Christmas! I hope you have a lovely day with family and friends and I hope Santa pays you a visit ;-) Thanks for all your support throughout this year and I look forward to a bright 2010 with you all!

Life and death. Two certainties in life yet polar opposites. One brought joy and celebration, the other mourning and sorrow. So what was one to do when experiencing both so close to the heart? Breathing in, I closed my eyes. The image which had slowly been burnt into my memory in recent weeks appeared without force; the first pictures of life growing inside me.
It was beautiful, the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. Maybe I was biased but until it was experienced, no one could ever understand the miracle of new life. Not completely. This tiny foetus was barely nine weeks old and only just growing minuscule finger and toe nails, yet it had already imprinted deeply on my life and soul. It was the love child of Derek and I, the only thing I had left of him.
I cried silently, letting the tears fall freely as I mourned both mine and my baby's loss. My fingers stroked my stomach where, in several months time, it would be protruding, stretching to make room for a rapidly growing baby.
I knew I had been sent this precious gift as an unspoken trade for Derek's life because it gave me the strength to go on, gave me the courage to keep fighting, when everything would have felt otherwise meaningless.
What hurt most was knowing Derek had died unaware he would soon become a father. He had no idea there was a heart beating strongly that belonged to his first, and only, child. All because I wanted to wait until I had the pictures from my first ultrasound.
He would never feel the joy, the excitement, the elation, of impending parenthood. And worse, I would have no one to share it with. He would never shower my growing belly in loving kisses; he would never place a protective hand on my bump; I would never watch his expression as he felt the baby kick for the first time; I wouldn't have his hand to hold as I welcomed our child into the world.
One thing I would have, though, is my mother. It had been six weeks since I had answered that call, six long weeks, and in that time my mother had been a constant.
I had collapsed into her arms and wept for hours after learning of Derek's accident, telling her everything. Without interruption she had listened, always holding me close, offering nothing but comfort and support. She was the first and only person I had told of my pregnancy.
"Sweetheart? Are you ok?"
Her voice brought me back to the present, a constant reminder of the life I was still living.
I smiled weakly. "As good as I can be, I guess. Just thinking about things...things that were and things that could have been."
Without saying a word, my mother took a seat next to me and took my hand in hers.
"You know," she said quietly, "nothing will make this easier for you. It's not meant to be easy and trust me, you wouldn't want it to be. That would only mean you didn't care." A pause. "You have a beautiful heart Charlotte, and a little bit of it has been torn away. There's no doubting it will heal in time but there will always be a scar and this you can look back upon when you're strong enough. All the memories, all the love, it will be there forever. I promise you." I studied her honest face. "Sometimes it hurts so much I have trouble breathing. Will it always hurt this much?"
"Oh, sweetheart," she replied. "I know. The pain will lessen but you will never forget. Instead, you will learn to remember Derek as he was, not how you felt when he was gone."
She gently wiped a stray tear as it slivered down my moist cheek.
After my mother left me alone with my thoughts, I sat there for a long time. I wondered if her advice stemmed from her own experience. Specifically, losing Grace and I as a young mother. Something which would have surely scarred her unsuspecting heart.
It gave me hope to know that the pain would slowly ease, though. That one day I could think of Derek without pain coursing through me. I had thought Derek's sudden arrival into my life signaled a new beginning for me, a chance at having my own family. In some ways it had, I guess, just not in the way I expected.
It would be so easy for me to focus on the little time we had known each other and how unfair it was, but honestly, I was just so thankful that I had been given the chance to be a part of his life at all. I was a better woman for knowing him, no matter how broken I felt at this moment.
One thing was for sure, our child would grow up knowing exactly who his or her's father was. They would know he had been gentle, thoughtful, passionate, kind and that he was almost certainly watching over them as a very proud father.
Over the following months, I rarely ventured outside, preferring to stay in alone or with my mother. It was on one of these particular nights that we discussed the future.
"Mum, I've been thinking a lot about what I'm going to do once the baby's born," I said.
"Mmhmm." She wiped her hands and turned to face me. "And what have you decided?"
"I want to move away from here," I replied, confidently. "Somewhere we can start afresh."
If my mother was surprised, she didn't show it. "Charlotte, I just want you and the baby to be happy and if that means moving away than I am all for it."
But that wasn't all. "I want you to move with us, mum."
There was silence as she took my proposal in. " house..."
Before she could say more, I silenced her. "We'll sell it, you're hardly even there anymore," I stated. "We'll buy a house big enough for all of us. That way we won't have to be going to and fro all the time."
Uncertainty lingered in her eyes. "I'll just get in the way. What if you meet a nice man? What about Grace?"
Ah, it clicked. She didn't want to abandon Grace.
"First of all, you won't get in the way. You and this baby are all I have, I need you. Secondly, I won't have time to meet a 'nice man' anytime soon, nor do I want to. And thirdly, Grace is a big girl, she can look after herself. She doesn't want to have anything to do with us right now. She'll come to you when she's ready. The space might do her good."
I gave my mother time to think about our conversation and what I was proposing. It was a big decision and it would be months before it even happened.
Meanwhile, my thoughts often drifted to my unborn child to take my mind off losing Derek. I imagined where life would take us, what he or she would become and if they would be happy. I will admit, the prospect of being a single parent was daunting. Will I be enough for my son or daughter? Will they resent me for raising them without a father? These were questions that occasionally floated through my mind but I tried hard to ignore them. I could do this, I told myself, of course I could. Especially with my mother by my side.
Julian did not yet know of my impending arrival nor did I intend to advise him. Of course he would find out eventually, through the grapevine, but it was not something I gave much thought to. He was nothing to me anymore.
I had thought it odd, at the time, that Derek had been killed so soon after I had requested a divorce from Julian. But after many sleepless nights, I deemed it just an unfortunate coincidence.
I hadn't attended Derek's funeral because of the fact that I knew Julian would be there and I didn't want to make things anymore complicated than what they already were.To the best of my knowledge Julian knew nothing of our whirlwind affair and that is how I wanted to keep it for as long as I could.
So, on the day of Derek's funeral, I had lain on my bed and said my final goodbye to him privately. It was hard...very hard, but it made his death finally hit home. He really wasn't coming back.
I had to remind myself that his spirit was living on inside me and as the months went past, I really didn't need to point it out anymore. It was right in front of me, large and round, and was growing by the day. My spirits were slowly rising with it as I realised it wouldn't be long until I was a mother. A whole new chapter in my life. I can't explain what it was like to feel the baby moving inside me. I guess it felt like a butterfly fluttering around in my stomach yet sometimes it wasn't so gentle. Especially in my last trimester when the little one was gaining strength at an incredible rate. I had no hope of catching a wink of sleep let alone a measly few hours! Surprisingly, it wasn't until I was eight and a half months pregnant (and unable to do much more) that I finally had time to realise how much my life had changed in such a short period of time.
One minute I had been a married woman, very unhappy with my life and missing my mother desperately. The next, I had unexpectedly met my soul mate, fallen deeply in love, reconnected with my mother and had high hopes for a happy future. Now, after losing my soul mate just as quickly as I had met him, I was a single, pregnant divorcee and you know what? I think the future is looking bright despite the circumstances.
A sudden pain ripped through my thoughts, sending me crashing back to Earth. No time for thinking about how my life has changed up until now, it was all about to change again! I scrambled off the bed, doubling over from the pain and clutched my stomach. This was no false alarm, my baby was definitely coming and I had to think fast. Grabbing my mobile, I quickly dialed the one person who would get here in a flash. The phone rang several time before it picked up.
"Mum, the baby's coming!"

Other Stories

Add Smilie

katarzynamonitaOct 23, 2012

Really love this! please give us moore \:D

crazymonkey1125Jan 2, 2010

Look @ my comment on the last chapter. I WAS RIGHT AGAIN

drewsolteszDec 29, 2009

Well done once again, the emotion, is certainly there in your writing and your shots, love the close up with the tear, very, very effective. And baby cliffhanger, yes! Great job!!

Peachybitz1Dec 29, 2009

Just read the entire 7 chapters...utterly fantastic \:wub\:...I hope everything goes well with the birth and maybe it would be nice if somehow Charlotte and Brian got together \;\) ...can't wait for the next chapter \:wub\:

Load more Comments
Log in to TSR

Not a Member yet?

Download blocked
Please turn off your ad-blocker to download.
If ads are a problem you can become a VIP member and enjoy an ad-free site.

Getting this message with no ad-blocker active?
Go here for help .
Download Basket
Basket example
As a VIP member, you can add up to 1 Gb of custom content in your Download Basket and download it all together in just One Click.
Start your VIP membership for as low as $3/Month.
TSR CC Manager
Basket example
As a VIP member, you can One Click download, install and manage your custom content fast and easy with the TSR CC Manager.
Start your VIP membership for as low as $3/Month.
VIP Members get 3 Days Early Access
VIP Early Article Access
The Magazine will be publicly available on April 30, 2021. Don’t want to wait? Get VIP Membership and Read it Now!