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The Gold Digger Part 3 - Albert
Published Oct 1, 2011


Written By

mysteryjack1

Storyteller
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Well Hello there! My name is Albert Kensington. I'm sure you've heard a lot about me from my two lovers, Ethel and Felicity. Scratch that, you've probably heard nothing of me as the two Ladies have been too busy insulting each other and fighting each other. I'll start by telling you how confused I am at the moment. I'm truly torn between who to love! My estranged wife, who takes all my money; or my Secretary, who takes all my money? Also, the latter of the two is slim, blonde and buxom. Just saying!

Well Hello there! My name is Albert Kensington. I'm sure you've heard a lot about me from my two lovers, Ethel and Felicity. Scratch that, you've probably heard nothing of me as the two Ladies have been too busy insulting each other and fighting each other. I'll start by telling you how confused I am at the moment. I'm truly torn between who to love! My estranged wife, who takes all my money; or my Secretary, who takes all my money? Also, the latter of the two is slim, blonde and buxom. Just saying! I had no idea where I was driving to. Felicity fed me the directions in a low, sultry tone. I wish she spoke normally, because her "sultry voice" is deeper than a 38 year old man's. In a good way, of course. Felicity herself was dressed up to the nines, tens and elevens! She was going through such an effort to humiliate Ethel. Imagine the embarrassment if Ethel never showed up! After an extremely slow drive through Bridgeport, we finally arrived at the big building - The Prosper Room. Kind of ironic, seeing as this isn't particularly a big building. But I suppose it makes it look like there are more people there. I frantically searched the Club for Ethel. Where would a bankrupt woman at a party be? The Bar! However, I checked both bars, and there was a stunning lack of Bankruptcy. Perhaps she just hadn't arrived yet. "Hey Mr Worry-pants! What's the matter?" Felicity called from the dance floor.
"Ethel's not here. Maybe this was all a mistake." I mumbled.
"Gosh, would you like some Cheese with that WHINE? Seriously, just relax! Watch me dance provocatively!"
"I think I'll go to the bar...."
As soon as I walked over to the bar, I noticed Ethel. She must have slipped in when I was checking the gutter. I cautiously walked over to her. Gosh, I hadn't seen her in six months! "Yet I still can't understand why the Chicken just didn't get its Chauffeur to drive it across the road!" Ethel wailed. I nervously approached.
"Hello Ethel." I whispered.
"Albert? Is that you?"
"Do I get a hug?"
"You're lucky I'm not giving you a falcon punch!"
"So.... What brings you here to The Prosper Room?" I said, feebly disguising the Humiliation Party.
"You mean Felicity's Humiliation Party?" Ethel raised one eyebrow.
"How did you find out?"
"I had an idea when a strange redhead appeared at my door, invited me here for some unknown reason and claimed she was from Taiwandonesiamerica. Oh, and she blabbed about it on Facebook."
"Right..."
"Not just that, but I can see Felicity dancing to 'Everybody Loves Kung-Fu Fighting' downstairs!" "Ethel, we need to talk." I begged.
"Save it, Albert! Why don't you just go cry to the Ninja Croissant down there?!" Ethel screeched.
I ran to the Men's Toilets. This seemed to be the only place I could escape from the two women in my life. Boohoo!

"Albert...." a voice echoed.
I turned around. A glamorous Dr Weir stood before me.

"Dr Weir... Are you a ghost?" I asked.
"First, I'm not dead. Second, I'm not a ghost. Third, you're standing in the middle of the Ladies' Room." Kara replied.
"I can't help it! My life is in turmoil!"
"Albert, you can't go blaming this on your two lovers. After all, it was your fault for leaving your loving, caring wife for some dumb blonde."
"I don't know what to do! Who do I choose? The elderly woman who loves me for who I am? Or the beautiful woman who loves me for my money?"
"You need to go with your heart. Do what it says!"
"What does that even mean?"
"Choose Ethel, you imbecile!"
But by the time I went downstairs, things had already started to kick off - Ethel and Felicity were fighting each other! Ethel had obviously been training hard. She was so good, light was coming out of her kicks and punches! However, Felicity had been training very hard too. She was flipping like a dolphin, albeit a very attractive dolphin! After several hits and misses, Ethel ended up in a heap on the floor. The humiliation party had been successful, and there was no way Ethel could get up from this. "Haha! That'll teach you to come around here, with your Martial Arts, thinking you can kick me to Oblivion! Face it, you're nothing more than an Old Lady!" Felicity spat.
"Not if I have anything to say about it!" screamed a voice.
Kara Weir had come raining on Felicity's parade. In fact, she completely thunder and lightninged on it!

"Take this, you blonde bimbo!" Kara screamed.
Felicity now lay in a crumpled heap on the floor. However, as she was stronger than Ethel, she was able to get up, even if it was only to scream at Kara. "What do you think you're doing?!" Felicity wailed. "This isn't your fight, Witch Doctor!"
"No it isn't, but it's not your fight either!" Kara barked back.
"Then who's fight is it?!"
"It's Albert's." Felicity became very confused.
"How the HECK is it Albert's?"
"Albert needs to choose which one of you ladies he loves."
Kara really put me on the spot here. In front of me were the two women in my life, both of them pining for my love. "Felicity. Do you really truly love me?" I asked.
"I'm pregnant!" She quickly said.
"You're not pregnant. I can read you like a book. You know how this is going to end, don't you? You don't want me. You only want my money."
"It's twins!"
"Goodbye, Felicity."
"Ethel, I've been such a fool! Why did I ever leave you?" I wailed.
"Because of the two small moons on her chest?" Ethel replied.
"You know what I mean! I overlooked your natural beauty for her natural beauty!"
"And those small moons" Ethel coughed.
"I should have known that she would never love me. But you always have loved me! So Ethel, can you find it somewhere in your heart to forgive me?"
"I've missed you so much! Of course I can!"

We hugged the night away! I think she crushed one of my lungs, but I deserve that, after everything I put her through.
Two weeks later, and I was in tip-top condition. I was back at work, and KIM was back to normal, selling what we normally sold. Business wasn't as good, seeing as we weren't selling Cosmetics anymore (and I hadn't posed for a magazine!). Ethel smiled for the first time in months. It was the most beautiful sight of all!

"Great to have you back, Ethel!" I beamed.
"It's great to be back, dear! I've really missed you!" Ethel smiled.
"Now, you should meet the new Secretary!"
"THE WHAT?!"
"Ethel, meet Olga. She's my new Secretary!"
"HALLO, HOW DO YA DO?!" Olga boomed.
"Oh, Albert! I trust you won't be having a fling with her?" Ethel laughed.
"Ethel, you know I'll never make that mistake again!"

As I kissed Ethel firmly on the lips, I couldn't help but think about Felicity. Not in a romantic way! But I wondered where she was. She hadn't been seen anywhere for the past two weeks. Hopefully she's learned from her mistakes.
Meanwhile...

"Excuse me, I'd like to see my husband, Bill." the woman asked.
"Who are you?"
"I'm Mrs Gates, Bill's wife!"
"I'm very sorry, Miss...." "He's seeing someone else right now."

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#9martoeleOct 2, 2011

Oh... I'm so pleased that Albert made the right choice (i.m.o.) The humiliationparty wasn't so humiliating after all. \:D  It was a great fight between them. And Felicity aims very high eh...? Bill Gates! LOL.... \:D  congratulations on this well deserved feature! \:cool\:

#10martoeleOct 2, 2011

I sigh with relief! \:ph34r\:  I had tried to send a comment 4 times before but it wasn't taken!

#11phoebesmom601Oct 2, 2011

I've never understood two women fighting over a man. They both need to kick Albert to the curb. Amusing story.
 
 

#12Nemesis_3050Oct 2, 2011

ahahahah the fighting scenes are super funny!!!

#13Audrey MayOct 2, 2011

LOL!  Great ending, Jack!  I think Ethel should have dumped Albert for a younger guy but she seems happy now so that's what counts! \:D

#14eviOct 2, 2011

Congratulations Jack! I liked your story!\:rah\:

#15fabrizioammolloOct 2, 2011

I'm glad that Dr. Weir could drum some sense into Albert in the end. \;\) Enjoyable story.

#16jmi-lu9999Oct 4, 2011

that was brilliant

#17urm0mOct 8, 2011

Haha excellent ending \:D

#18RatRaceRobOct 23, 2011

Hilarious!  Huzzah for Ethel \:rah\:, she was the best, I will miss her wit \;\) ... and LOLs for Dr. Weir, too!  Excellent work on all three episodes--  thank you for the gold-digging funtimes, Jack \:P \:D

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