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Eye On Life
Published Nov 15, 2009


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Thanks for checking out my new (one off) story. Hope you like :) -Bess

Thanks for checking out my new (one off) story. Hope you like :) -Bess Julie: Welcome to today's edition of Eye On Life. I'm Julie Lane and today we are joined by a very courageous young lady, everyone join me in making Miss Delilah Blue feel welcome.

(Audience claps and cheers.)

Julie: As you know, for the next two weeks, we are spending each episode looking at different diseases and illnesses that can plague our lives, to create awareness and looking at how everyday people, like you and I, can deal with this and get on with things to the best of our ability.
Delilah, thanks for being on the show!
Delilah: Thanks Julie, it's a pleasure. I thought it was a great idea. I know that there needs to be more understanding of different ailments so I was more than happy to accept.

Julie: So Delilah, you suffer from clinical depression. How long have this been an issue for you?

Delilah: I don't know for sure. I have never been a happy person. Wait, actually, everyone that knows me always says I seem like the happiest person in the world, but really, on the inside, it feels like my heart is being crushed every second of everyday. It's just so frustrating, of course there is a reason for me to be sad sometimes but what makes me so different from everyone else? Everyone else has to deal with terrible things in their life but they don't become crippled by it. They just take it in their stride and continue with life. I wish I could do that.

Julie: What do you think sparked it all off? Is this something that may have begun in your childhood?

Delilah: I'm not sure. My parents fought a lot when I was younger and got divorced when I was about eleven. That was definitely hard for me, but these days, whenever I feel more depressed than usual, I always wish I could go back to being a child again. It couldn't have been that bad if I wish I was back there now.
Julie: And what about School? Friends?

Delilah: I was a smart kid, smarter than all the other kids in my year. I would get teased a lot about that. I would get straight A's on a report card and I wouldn't hear the end of it from the other children for months.
I was always a bit chunky when I was younger, too. That was always something I would get teased about, too. The kids would sing that 'Do a little dance, shake a little flub' song from the film 'Flubber'.
There was this one girl who I clashed with more than the others. One day she snuck back into the classroom at lunch and stole my pencil case. Then she put the pencil case in the door way and slammed the door against it several times. I remember finding it on the floor, all my personalised pencils had snapped and there was ink all over the place. That was one event that has always stayed with me.
Don't get me wrong, I had friends, and I far from the most bullied in the class but school sucked and I would cry myself to sleep most nights. I'm not sure if I was depressed back then though.
Julie: Wow, awful, it's shocking to hear how cruel kids can be. So when do you think that depression really became a problem for you? Do you remember thinking 'The way I feel just can't be normal'?

Delilah: No, looking back now, I can see that I wasn't happy for A LONG time. As I got older, I began to change. By the time I got to year ten I was rebelling, although I don't know what I was rebelling against. I was living with my mum, who was totally cool and I still saw my dad as often as I liked. I think I was just sick of being an outcast. I had some really good friends by that time and I wasn't teased as much but I knew people still looked at me as if I was a bit of a loser. I was in all the top classes and cared way to much about school to be truly cool.
Julie: So what sort of things did you start doing?

Delilah: (laughs) What didn't I do? Let's just say that I went to parties every weekend and pretty much never went to school for years eleven and twelve. I mean, I would go to school in the morning, but then my 'friends' would say 'Lets got to the beach' or something. I was out pretty much every night of the week instead of studying...you can guess what I was up to. I was 17 and having what I thought was an awesome time.
Things got so bad that my Mum kicked me out finally, after I came home with a tattoo.
Julie: But then you met Josh, right? And things became a bit better?

Delilah: Right. I met Josh at a party, he was a year older and from a different school. He was really sweet and I fell for him so quickly. We just got along so well, everything was so perfect for a few months. I think it's safe to say that I felt the happiest I had in years. I stopped doing all the naughty stuff and started thinking about uni. Unfortunately, I didn't get the marks I wanted for uni because of all the wagging from school. I started working at a liquor store. Josh was doing an apprenticeship.
Julie: And it was what happened next that you first took your feelings seriously?

Delilah: That's right. Josh and I had been together for over a year and we were so happy together.
My grandparents were going back to England (they were born there) to visit family, and asked me if I would like to stay at their place with Josh until they got back. I was stoked, it was the first time I would be able to be independent. Josh thought it was great too.
The incident that I believe sparked off the depression occurred only a few weeks into our stay at my grandparents.
My grandma had left me a few thousand dollars to keep their bills up to date while they were gone. When I went to get some of the money to pay the phone bill, the money was gone. Only Josh and myself knew where the money was and it was hidden well. I knew he must have taken the money.
When he got home that day I went OFF at him. I was screaming and hyperventilating and hitting him. I was so mad, and he just sat there and took it all before admitting that he had a gambling problem and that was why he took the money, he said the money was all gone, but he would find away to get it back.
Julie: And your response?

Delilah: I had to think about it for a few days. I hated what he had done, but if he had a problem, then he couldn't really help it, right? I wanted to help him. He had made me so happy until now. I told him that as long as he got the money back before my grandparents returned, it would be OK. Of course, I knew in my heart that things were over. He had disappointed me so badly and had stolen from my own family. It just wasn't acceptable. Still, I made an effort in a vain attempt to keep my life on track, as it had been recently.
Delilah: Over the next few weeks, after I realised that things between Josh and I weren't going back to what they were, I began to take special notice of how miserable I always was. I was a wreck, the smallest thing would spark off my tears. I would lay awake at night just thinking about dying, how people would react if I was gone, or I would think about the people I really cared for passing away, and what would I do without them? How would I go on?
Everything that came into my mind was so sad, I couldn't help it though. I also noticed this strange feeling I would have during every waking moment of my life.
You remember when you were a kid and you'd done something wrong?
You know that your going to get in trouble and you just feel anxious waiting for that moment when your going to get a big smack from your parents. It's like something is just going to explode in your chest. That's how I felt ALL THE TIME. Even to this day.
I went to the doctor and after rigorous mental exams I was diagnosed with clinical depression and severe anxiety.

Julie: How did Josh react?

Delilah: He was great, but I would openly blame him for everything that was happening to me. I was straining the relationship even more. Yes, it was his fault for the stealing thing, but I was the idiot who allowed him to stick around. I really don't know why he put up with my crap.
A few months after being diagnosed with depression, I found out I was pregnant.
Delilah: I still remember the whole thing, taking the test in the middle of the night, so no one else would know what was going on. I almost died when it came up 'positive' I had to think of a way to tell my mum. In the end, it was really easy. She had me when she was 20, she had my older brother when she had only just become a young adult so it wasn't a big deal.
I told Josh about it. He said that it was something we should think about. He said that he wouldn't be the one to force me into anything, but he made me promise that I would think it all over.
Delilah: This made me feel terrible. The thought about whether to keep the baby or not had never entered my mind. I just assumed that we would go ahead with it. I wanted it and if Josh didn't, he could leave. I would never force him into staying in a situation like this. It was totally unplanned, he wanted to focus on his work and that was fine, I understood what his job meant to him. I did go for a stroll though and thought it all over. I promised Josh I would think about it. Julie: So even though things weren't good between the two of you and you were struggling with a mental illness, you decided you wanted to keep the baby?

Delilah: Of course. Since I was little I had always promised myself that one day I would have a child, or more, but just to have one would be amazing. I wanted to be responsible for someone having a perfect life from the moment they entered the world. I wanted to give someone the childhood I wished I'd had.
Delilah: When I got home, I told Josh that I was keeping the baby and if he wanted to leave I would understand. He said that his job would come first and that he wouldn't desert me, but I have to know that he was keeping his job the main priority for now.

Julie: And how was Josh throughout the pregnancy?

Delilah: He was great. He came with me to the doctor for all my checkups and stuff. I think he was even starting to get a bit excited for us. But we were fighting all the time as well. The fights were never directly about the baby, but we both knew that it was the underlying cause.
One time he didn't come home from a night out with the boys. I realised that I had to be with someone who was responsible or be with no one at all, at least then I only had to rely on myself. I decided that it was about time to say good bye to our relationship. I just hated being the one to do it.
Julie: But as it turns out, you didn't have to do it.

Delilah: That's right, I went to the graveyard the next day. It was the best place to go if you wanted to have a cry. No one thought it was odd to see a young woman crying. I always just made out that I was mourning for a lost loved one. It was always so peaceful there too.
I started to feel ill not long after I got there. I thought it was just stress and the heat so I sat in the shade and waited to feel better, but I just got worse. I started getting the worst cramps and had to call an ambulance to take me to the hospital.
Delilah: When I got to the hospital, they said that everything was fine though. They did an ultrasound. Everything looked perfect. The doctor said that many women have pains throughout their pregnancy and that it wasn't anything to worry about. They did a few other tests and said they would get back to me as soon as possible if anything untoward showed up.

I went home and rested. I was still in a lot of pain, but I felt a bit better by the doctors words.
That night though, I woke up in agony. I lost the baby.
Josh was at his place and my mum was working late. I just sat in the corner of my room crying. I can't remember those hours at all.
Julie: And the doctors contacted you to let you know what was going on, right?

Delilah: I had to go to the hospital after losing the baby to make sure I wasn't in any danger of dying myself. The doctor examined me and said that i should be fine and my body would look after itself in terms of the miscarriage, however, he also told me that my tests had come back a little concerning.
He told me I had Osteosarcoma - a type of bone cancer common in teens and it was probably the reason I couldn't carry the baby any longer. I was devastated to say the least. I felt so afraid, but at the same time, totally relaxed about it. I remember just saying 'Okay, so what's next? What do we need to do to get rid of this thing?'
Delilah: I had an operation to remove as much of the cancer as possible. My leg has this disgusting scar from it now, actually, it isn't that bad, I just look at it through different eyes I guess.
I told my best friend Clara about it and she looked so sad. It was as if I was already dead. I told her not to worry. That I wasn't going anywhere. I was really surprised at my reaction to the whole thing, considering my mental state, I was just in a daze most of the time.
Delilah: I started to get so weird.
I thought about what would happen if I died. It made me so sad, I knew I couldn't let the cancer win but I just got even more emotional than I had been before hand.
I still couldn't be on my anti depressants and I was beginning to feel that the continuing sadness was just normal. One time I went to the fish market to help Josh pick something out for dinner and I just started bawling my eyes out because the fish were dead, and they deserved to live as much as anything else on the planet.
Josh got so embarrassed and just yelled at me, everyone turned to look at us.
Any cruelty to any living things just tore me to pieces. I couldn't even watch the Wild Thornberry's movie because at the beginning a baby cheetah gets taken by poachers. And Josh banned me from watching any sort of animal doco or animal rescue show. Seeing the animals lost or hurt just started me sobbing and I would be inconsolable for hours.
When I started to lose my hair, Josh decided to say goodbye.
I wear a wig that pretty much matches my real hair anyway, but he just thought it was too weird and he said that he was tired and fed up of our relationship, but that I would always be important to him.
It was sad but also a relief, it's just a shame that he had to do it over the most despicable thing. Who cares if I have hair or not!!??
Julie: Josh left you a month ago now. What has changed since then?

Delilah: Not a lot really! It seems like I had been distancing myself from him for so long before we broke up that it didn't really affect me at all.
I'm still Depressed but it's kind of taken the back seat. It's strange because I am so positive about the cancer but absolutely disgusted with the rest of my life.
I spend most of my time outside (if I'm feeling up to it) and just marveling at how beautiful the world can be, would be, if it wasn't for us...people.
Julie: Anything else you wanted to say while you're with us Delilah?

Delilah: I just want to get across how much depression effects people who suffer from it. I think it's important to realise that it's a serious illness and not something someone can 'snap out of'. People didn't care when I just had depression, it wasn't until I got the cancer that people started saying 'Oh how terrible'. Maybe people should 'snap out of' the way the think of mental illness.

Julie: Thanks so much for sharing you story with us today Delilah.
(To audience): And thank you for tuning in today, if you want to learn more about Delilah, depression or Osteosarcoma just visit our website.
See you tomorrow, when we will be joined by a young man struggling with AIDS.
Bess: So, before you start judging my story, I just wanted to let you know that the whole thingis totally true (besides names) and that I really do just want to create awareness for depression, plus it was actually fun working on something so serious. Ironic, huh? I hope you like it, anyway :) - Bess

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#11Midnight222Nov 17, 2009

Really well written and a great format Bess. Depression is such a debilitating disease and Im glad you have bought attention to it in such a brave manner. I wish you well, both with the depression and the osteosarcoma.

#12Jennifer_RNov 17, 2009

This is very sad. \:\(  Delilah is such a courageous young woman though. Bess, this is a wonderfully written story! Well done! \:rah\: \:\)

#13Golden97Nov 17, 2009

Gr8 story! \:\)

#14charrayNov 22, 2009

Very good \:\)

#15emotionsrhighNov 23, 2009

love this.. what a clever way to get a message across!

#16DragonQueenNov 25, 2009

\:rah\:   Awesome story!  A gentle handling of difficult subjects, compelling writing, and a really unique set of screenshots.  \:cool\:  Fantastic!  I \:wub\: it!  A definite 5'er!

#17Foxi_iveyNov 30, 2009

\:\( I'm sorry...  it's terrible that you have depression, even worse that it's cancer too.\:\(

#18lug12Nov 30, 2009

great story.

#19HarukotyanDec 5, 2009

Thanks for sharing and for the message. This just makes me to think over so many things. Thanks again.

#20topaz27Feb 27, 2010

This has been very heartbreaking to read, but I am so glad to have read it, Bess did a wonderful job on writing this, it is so well written and very moving, Thank you Bess for sharing this \:wub\: \:wub\:  miss you lots \:wub\: \:wub\:

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